we are unbreakable
by splendidlyimperfect
Summary: It's been thirteen years since Natsu and Gray met - since they both fell apart and helped put each other back together. Now they're married and happily in love. But the past doesn't always stay past, and when the things that broke them come back into their lives, Natsu and Gray have difficult decisions to make. / sequel to 'crash & burn' and 'i'd rather be a riot than indifferent'
1. an uncertain reunion

_A/N: Hey all! This is the sequel to 'crash & burn,' set thirteen years later. If you haven't read it, here's a quick summary [spoilers]: Gray and Natsu meet in a program for troubled youth, where Gray is dealing with his brother's drug addiction and Natsu's living in an abusive foster home. Natsu attempts to kill himself and Gray saves his life, and gets him out of the abusive situation. Eventually Gray opens up to Natsu and tells him that his brother shot him while he was high, and he's still traumatized by it. They fall in love, and in the epilogue they end up getting married._

_CW for past trauma, past self-harm, reference to a past suicide attempt, drug use/addiction. Each chapter will have a trigger warning, please make sure to check those!_

_Gray is Québécois, so all French used is Canadian, and most of it is colloquial. Translations are done based on equivalence and are not exact transcriptions._

_Come visit me on tumblr as splendidlyimperfect. ^_^_

* * *

"How can you possibly need to pee _again?" _

Gray looked over at Natsu with fond exasperation. Natsu shrugged, grinning innocently.

"Seriously, we've only been driving for..." Gray glanced at his watch. "Four hours. And you've made me stop three times already."

"I can't help it!" Natsu argued, unfolding his legs and yawning. "Too much coffee."

Gray snorted, flicking on the signal and pulling off the highway into the small town of Terrence. It was the same as the last three tiny places they'd stopped in – a single gas station, two or three restaurants, and a hotel. The mountains stretched high above the town, deep green and heavily forested.

"We might as well get gas," Gray said as he pulled into the station parking lot, wincing at the prices. _"Câlice_, it's expensive here. All right, go take your break." Natsu leaned over and pressed a kiss to Gray's cheek.

"Love you, Snowflake," he said. Gray huffed, then turned and returned the kiss as he unbuckled his seatbelt.

"Love you too. Take your garbage with you." Gray gestured to the myriad of candy wrappers and chip bags that littered Natsu's side of the car – even after ten years of marriage he had a hard time believing how much food Natsu could eat. "And get me something."

"Sweet or salty?" Natsu collected the garbage and shoved it all into a chip bag, then headed toward the gas station.

"Surprise me!" Gray called after him, getting out to fill up the car.

Natsu pushed the door to the gas station open, tossing his garbage in the trash. His eyes skipped over the racks of candy, then made his way through the aisles and stopped up in the lineup at the bathroom.

Natsu's phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out, leaning against the wall. It was a message from Lucy.

_How's the trip so far? Did Gray manage to get you out of bed at 5:30? _Natsu laughed under his breath, fingers flying across the keys.

_ya but he cheated, cold hands. _He yawned and rubbed his face. _were in some tiny town. is kaden ecxited for the tri thalon? _The washroom door opened and Natsu glanced up briefly, then returned to his phone. _tell him to send us pics and were proud of him. _He began to search for an emoji to add, but jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder.

"Natsu?" A young woman was standing in front of him, maybe five or so years younger than him. Her long hair was dyed a deep blue and her brow was furrowed in confusion. "Is that you?"

"Uh... who's asking?" Natsu shrugged off the hand uncomfortably, pulling his hoodie tighter around him. He glanced out the window and saw Gray, still standing by the car outside. Natsu wished he could summon Gray inside with only his thoughts.

"Natsu, it's Wendy."

Natsu blinked. He looked at the girl's face again, tracing the shape of her eyes and the small scar at the corner of her mouth that he'd missed the first time. A strange tugging sensation filled his chest and he reached out almost instinctively, grasping her forearms.

"Wendy?" he asked softly. She nodded, confusion on her face transforming into a smile that he remembered so well. "You're... you..." Natsu swallowed. He hadn't seen her in twenty years, but suddenly he was ten years old and back in the foster home, telling her stories in the blanket fort they'd made. They'd been inseparable for nearly a year, and then one day had woken up without her. She'd been adopted, and he'd never seen her again.

Until now.

"I can't believe it's you," Wendy whispered, letting Natsu pull her into a hug. She was still shorter than him and her head easily tucked under his chin, just like it had when she was six. A whirlwind of emotions was surfacing in Natsu now and he exhaled shakily, pulling back and staring at her again.

"Are you – do you live here?" she asked.

Natsu shook his head. "No, we – my husband and I – we're on a trip. Just stopping for – we needed gas. Snacks. I had to..." He trailed off and gestured to the washroom. Wendy laughed and shook her head, then glanced up at the till where another woman was waiting to pay. Her hair was nearly the color of Natsu's, but he didn't recognize her.

"That's my girlfriend, we're on our way to a conference," Wendy said.

Natsu shook his head – all of this was starting to feel overwhelming. His hands were shaking and Wendy gripped them tightly. Natsu saw her eyes flick curiously down to his badly scarred hand, then travel up his arm to the marks on his neck and face. It didn't bother him as much anymore, but this felt less like casual curiosity from a stranger and more of a request for an explanation.

"Can you – are you in a hurry?" he asked. His voice was shakier than he thought it would be, and he was both relieved and apprehensive when Wendy shook her head.

"No, we're not due in Vernon until tomorrow." She smiled again, wide and genuine, and Natsu's chest ached. He'd been certain he would never see her again.

"Do you want to... can we have lunch?" It was going to take him and Gray over a week to reach Québec anyway, so a few extra hours wasn't going to kill them. "I dunno anything about this place but I'm sure there's a shitty diner somewhere." It felt strange to be swearing around someone he'd last seen when she was six.

"I'd love to," Wendy said, glancing behind Natsu as the person in front of him exited the restroom. She took out her phone and pulled up a map, then flipped it to show Natsu. "Meet here in half an hour?"

"So, uh… Wendy," Natsu said. He sat next to Gray in the restaurant booth, jiggling his leg nervously and tracing old scratches in the wood with his nails. When Gray rested a hand on his knee, Natsu exhaled. "This is my husband. Gray."

Wendy reached across and shook Gray's hand, giving him a wide smile, then gesturing to the girl beside her and saying, "This is my girlfriend, Sherria." Gray shook her hand as well, then looked back at Wendy curiously.

"We, uh… we were in the same foster home together," Natsu said after a moment of awkward silence. Gray raised his eyebrows.

"The one…" He trailed off, gaze flicking down to Natsu's hands. Natsu ran his finger over the small, white scar on his thumb and gave a hesitant nod, chewing on his lip. Gray brought his hand up to cover Natsu's, raising an eyebrow. _Does she know? _

_No. _A soft shake of Natsu's head.

"I'm sorry," Wendy said softly, leaning against Sherria. "It's—I haven't thought about it in a while either. It's a lot to remember."

"Mm." Natsu squeezed Gray's hand, then grabbed a menu and started to flip through it absently. "So, you're going to a conference?"

"Yes!" Wendy nudged Sherria and smiled. "We're both pre-med, we're going to the Burn Network Symposium in Vernon."

Natsu looked up at her, frowning, then shook his head and laughed. He saw her eyes flick back down to the scars on his hand, then back up to his eyes apologetically.

"Hopefully you'll end up in the place where I stayed after this happened," he said, rolling up his sleeve and holding out his arm. "I'm a volunteer firefighter. Happened, what, eight years ago?" He looked at Gray, who nodded. "Second- and third-degree burns. Had a ton of skin grafts, it took forever to heal."

"Wow, that's amazing healing for third-degree burns," Sherria said, leaning over and peering at Natsu's arm curiously. "Did they use silver? Applying nanotechnology to burn therapy is brilliant, there's a workshop at the sym—"

"Sher," Wendy said gently, nudging Sherria, who suddenly looked mortified.

"Shit, sorry, I just get carried away." She ducked her head.

"No, it's fine," Natsu said, tugging his sleeve back down. "I can't believe you're old enough to be a pre-med student. It's… you were _six." _

Wendy sighed, looking down at her coffee. "Did you—I mean, was…"

"I found my own way," Natsu said quietly. "Eventually." Gray squeezed his hand again, running his thumb over the back of Natsu's knuckles. "You got out though. How's your family?"

"Good," Wendy replied, pulling out her phone and flipping through a couple photos, then passing it to Natsu. It showed a couple in their mid-fifties, hugging Wendy and another girl who was as dark as Wendy was pale. "That's Kiera, you remember her?"

Natsu swallowed, setting the phone down on the table and pushing it back over to Wendy. His chest hurt, and he couldn't figure out why he felt like crying.

"Yeah." Natsu's voice was tight, like it was stuck in the back of his throat. "She—I'm glad you found a good family." Gray let go of Natsu's hand and wrapped his arm around Natsu instead, rubbing his thumb reassuringly across Natsu's shoulder.

Wendy hesitated, looking between Natsu and Gray. "Did your dad—did he come back?"

"No." The word was short and sharp, and Natsu exhaled, rubbing his face and looking back up at Wendy. "Sorry, it's not you. No, he never came back. I, uh, I bounced around 'til I was seventeen and then met this asshole." He leaned back and looked up at Gray affectionately.

From there, the conversation flowed easily. The four of them talked over pancakes and bacon – Natsu learned that Wendy and Kiera had moved to Toronto after being adopted, and that Wendy wanted to become a doctor in the NICU. Gray talked a little about his work, and Natsu told Wendy about the garage he ran with Sting.

When the bill came, Gray grabbed it from the table, shaking his head when Wendy tried to insist on paying. Gray leaned over and kissed Natsu's head, then gestured to the front of the restaurant. Sherria excused herself and followed him as well.

Natsu sighed, playing with his half-empty cup of coffee and dragging his thumbnail across the faded paint. Wendy reached out and put a hand over his.

"I'm sorry," she said gently. "Sounds like things were hard for you."

"Yeah," Natsu replied, trying to smile. "It was shit, but it's over now, right? We both have families." He wanted to curl up next to Gray and cry.

Wendy squeezed Natsu's hand. "Yeah, and Bill and Sarah are wonderful," she said. "But… I also found my real mom."

Natsu looked up at her, eyes wide. "Your—you what? How?"

"There's places," Wendy said, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Like a database, you can sign up and see if they're looking for you, too. My mom… her name's Kelly. She was fifteen when I was born, she couldn't take care of a kid. We met up last summer, and it actually went really well."

Everything around Natsu went blurry, fading away into the background as he took a shaky breath. Wendy kept talking, showing Natsu a picture of herself and her mother, who looked almost exactly like her. It was background noise, though – everything else was static. He could find his dad?

Gray had mentioned it, once, before the wedding, but Natsu had refused to even entertain the idea. Natsu's father had abandoned him at eight years old to hide and fight and scrape his way through his childhood. He had _left_, just disappeared one day and made everything fall apart.

A gentle hand on Natsu's forearm brought him back to the present and he blinked, pulling away from Wendy. She looked at him sadly as he wiped his eyes.

"Sorry," Natsu whispered, trying to push back the lump in his throat. "I don't—I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It was a lot to think about," Wendy said, gently taking Natsu's hand in hers. "It took me a long time to decide if I wanted to do it. I don't regret it, though."

Natsu's heartbeat pounded in his ears, and when they stood up to leave the restaurant, it felt like the floor was shifting underneath him. Gray's hand in his grounded him a bit, but Natsu's skin thrummed uncomfortably when Wendy hugged him.

"Keep in touch, okay?" she said, passing him back his phone where she'd typed in her number. She pulled him in again and squeezed him tightly, whispering, "I missed you so much."

"I… missed you too," he said quietly, feeling not quite real as he pulled back and gave her what he hoped was a convincing smile.

After they watched Wendy and Sherria pull out of the parking lot and back onto the highway, Gray took Natsu gently by the shoulders and pulled him into a hug, not saying anything when Natsu started to cry.

"I don't know wh-why I'm so upset," Natsu said into Gray's shirt, arms wrapped tightly around Gray's waist. "I just—it's…"

"It's a lot to take in," Gray said, kissing the top of Natsu's head and rubbing his hand up Natsu's back. "Do you wanna stay here for the night? We don't have to keep driving."

Natsu was about to shake his head, but the tears kept falling and he pressed his face against Gray's shoulder, sniffing as he leaned heavily into the embrace.

"Yeah," he said softly, rubbing his face and then wrapping his arms around himself. He felt eight again, small and scared and lonely, missing his best friend and his dad and the mom who had disappeared.

"Okay," Gray said softly. "Whatever you need."


	2. where you belong

_A/N: If you haven't read 'crash & burn,' this chapter has some stuff that carries over - if you catch anything else that's confusing, let me know! _

_\- Natsu has bipolar disorder (hence the meds). _  
_\- Ultear is Gray's older sister and is married to Xavier, and they have three kids (Sylvie is 17, Renaud is 15, and Félix is 14)_  
_\- Gray's grandparents live in Gatineau, Québec, and his entire family (including Natsu) speaks French _  
_\- Natsu's dad, Neelan, is also briefly mentioned in c&b, but not in any detail, just that he left when Natsu was eight_

* * *

When Gray woke up the next morning, Natsu wasn't there.

Gray pushed himself up on his elbows, yawning and rubbing his face before looking around the tiny hotel room. The curtains were still drawn, but a thin ray of sunlight had made its way through and illuminated a line along the floor.

"Natsu?" Gray called, sitting up and shoving away the blankets. He frowned and glanced at the clock – 7:46 a.m. Natsu never willingly got up this early. Gray looked over to the front door and felt a spike of panic when he saw that Natsu's shoes and jacket were gone.

Gray stood up, grabbing his phone from the bedside table and swiping it open, but the only messages were a text from Sylvie, and a handful of e-mails from work. He tossed the phone back down on the bed and quickly checked the bathroom.

A cold, uncomfortable feeling crept through his stomach, and Gray forced himself to breathe. Even after nearly fourteen years, the memory of finding Natsu bleeding to death was the first thing that popped into Gray's head when Natsu wasn't well. Gray quickly rummaged through the toiletries bag in the bathroom for Natsu's pill container, and was relieved to see that he hadn't missed any of his meds.

Gray sighed, rubbing his face and sitting down on the end of the bed. He was about to call Natsu when the door to the hotel room creaked open.

Natsu stood in the doorway, balancing two cups of coffee in one hand. When he saw Gray, his face broke into a smile, and he set down the coffee on the table.

"What're you doing up so early?" Gray asked, standing up and pulling Natsu into a hug. Natsu hummed happily, wrapping his arms around Gray's waist. "You okay?"

"Mhmm." Natsu let Gray hold him tightly for a minute, then pulled back and gave Gray a quick kiss. "I'll have you know that my ridiculous husband doesn't think that 7:45 am is early."

"I see." Gray relaxed a little, brushing Natsu's hair out of his eyes and looking out the door. The sun was already up, burning away the wisps of fog that drifted down from the mountains and casting a pale, yellow light over the parking lot.

"What's up, Snowflake?" Natsu asked, slipping his hands under Gray's shirt and rubbing his thumbs over Gray's hips.

"Just wanna make sure you're okay," Gray said. Natsu smiled, shaking his head and pulling Gray in close while he kicked the door shut. He trailed his fingers up Gray's back, leaning in and kissing him again.

"I'm fine," he reassured Gray, nudging him backward against the bed until Gray's knees hit the edge and he sat down. "Sorry for worrying you." He pushed Gray further back onto the bed, moving up until he was sitting between Gray's legs and leaning over him.

Gray hesitated, searching Natsu's face for some kind of sign that he wasn't as okay as he was putting on. His eyes were a little brighter than usual, and there was a hint of sadness behind his smile. Gray ran his thumb over Natsu's cheek, then pulled him down for a kiss.

"You don't have to be okay," he murmured against Natsu's lips. Natsu froze for a second, arms tense on either side of Gray's head, then laughed and pressed their foreheads together.

"I know," he said, rubbing his nose against Gray's. "And I wasn't yesterday – it was a lot. I'm better today, though. Promise."

Gray knew that Nastu wasn't telling the whole truth, but he trusted Natsu to know what he needed. He let himself relax into the mattress as Natsu kissed him harder, biting Gray's lip gently, and then running his tongue along it. Natsu tasted like strawberry lipgloss and coffee, familiar and safe.

"Touch me," Natsu whispered, grabbing Gray's hand and guiding it up to his waist. Gray slipped his fingers under Natsu's jeans to feel the lace of his underwear and he groaned, pressing his hips up and grinding against Natsu.

Natsu let out a soft sound of surprise as Gray grabbed him and flipped them over until he was straddling Natsu's hips. He tugged the elastic out of Natsu's hair, wrapping it around his wrist, then combed his fingers through Natsu's hair until it spread out around his head like a pink halo.

"Can I call you pretty today?" Gray asked, rocking forward and enjoying the soft sounds that slipped from Natsu's lips. Natsu nodded, gripping Gray's thighs and looking up at him with wide eyes. Gray leaned down, running his hands up Natsu's arms until he had him by the wrists, pinned to the bed.

"Hnn, w-wanna—"

"Shush," Gray said, kissing Natsu again, hot and needy. "You're gorgeous and I wanna touch you everywhere."

Natsu sighed happily when Gray's lips moved to his neck, running over the sensitive scar and then moving over to the other side.

"W-we don't have to check out until eleven," Natsu groaned, rocking up against Gray. Gray moved down to bite Natsu's nipple through his shirt and Natsu gasped, tugging at Gray's grip on his wrists.

"Good," Gray said, running his thumbs over Natsu's palms and looking up at him through a dark curtain of hair. "Then I'm gonna take my time with you."

* * *

The rest of the trip took almost four days. Gray drove most of the way, leaving Natsu to make up music playlists and watch the scenery change from mountains to prairies to forests as they made their way east.

Natsu hadn't been lying when he'd told Gray he was okay, but the run-in with Wendy still lingered in the back of his mind. Every once in a while, a flash of guilt or sudden anger washed over him, but the farther away they got, the better Natsu felt.

Then, on their last day on the road, Natsu got a text from Wendy. _Hey, if you decide you want to try to find your dad, this is the place I used. Good luck. _

Underneath there was a company name – Reunion and Reconnection – as well as a phone number and an e-mail address.

Natsu's stomach clenched as all the anxiety that had been fading from him returned full force, crawling up his arms and making him feel dizzy. He stared at the message, thumb hovering hesitantly over the link.

"Hey, are you sure you're—"

Gray's voice caught him off guard, and Natsu jumped, dropping his phone into the footwell of the car.

"Snowflake, if you ask me if I'm okay one more time, I'm gonna make you listen to One Direction for the rest of this trip."

Natsu kept his voice light, laughing at the disgruntled look on Gray's face before picking up the phone and shoving it into his jacket pocket. Gray reached over, taking Natsu's hand and squeezing gently before looking back the road.

"I'm not going to change my mind," Natsu insisted, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling in his stomach. "Just 'cause Wendy found her mom doesn't mean I should look for him. He left, and I don't need him." He tried not to let his bitterness show, and forced a smile for Gray. "I've got you."

Gray nodded and slipped his fingers between Natsu's before looking back at the road. Natsu leaned his head against the window, staring out past the trees while he attempted to sort through the tangle of feelings in his head.

They reached grand-maman and grand-papa's house by early evening. Natsu could see everyone else's cars parked along the road, and an uneasy feeling washed over him as they approached the front door.

"Hey," he said, grabbing Gray's hand and pulling him close. "Can we not say anything about Wendy?" Gray raised an eyebrow and Natsu sighed. "I don't wanna talk about it. Please?"

Natsu adored Gray's family and how quickly they'd taken him in, but big gatherings like this sometimes reopened the wound of Natsu's own absent parents. Usually it was a dull ache that he was able to ignore, but right now it was a sharp, burning sting that made him want to run.

"Of course," Gray said, giving Natsu a quick kiss before reaching for the door. "You ready?"

The next few minutes were a whirlwind of hugs, kisses and pinched cheeks. Ultear had arranged the party for grand-papa's ninety-fifth birthday, and the house was packed with people that Natsu didn't know. He managed to make it through the crowd to see grand-papa, who was settled on the couch next to Félix and wearing a birthday hat.

_"Quel beau chapeau!"_ Natsu said, crouching down beside the couch and taking grand-papa's hand. _"Bonne fête! T'es un vieil homme_, huh?"

"Watch who you're calling old," grand-papa replied in French, smiling and kissing Natsu on the cheek. Grand-papa's skin felt like tissue paper under Natsu's fingers, and for some reason it made Natsu feel like crying.

"I think you're probably the oldest one here," Natsu teased, forcing himself to smile. "Pretty soon you'll be a hundred."

Grand-papa laughed, patting Natsu's arm.

_"Ça va?"_ Natsu asked, turning to Félix. "You happy to be done grade eight?"

Natsu managed to make it nearly an hour into the party before the itch under his skin was too much. He found his way to the balcony door and slipped outside, closing it behind him and turning to see Sylvie leaning on the railing, looking out over the city.

"Your mom had better not see you drinking that," Natsu teased, leaning onto the railing next to Sylvie and gesturing to the cooler in her hand. "You're not eighteen yet."

Sylvie rolled her eyes. "Like you didn't drink before you were eighteen," she said, nudging his arm.

"Fair point," Natsu said. He stared out across the river, watching the street lamps flicker on as the sun fell behind the horizon. The sound of the party behind them was muffled through the screen door, but Natsu could hear Renaud trying to explain his newest video game to grand-maman.

"You okay?" Sylvie asked. Natsu turned to look at her – she'd changed her hair since the last time he'd seen her, and now it was a wild, messy pink-and-purple mohawk. "Uncle Natsu? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said automatically, playing with his wedding band. Sylvie kicked his ankle and he frowned at her.

"Liar," she said. "You're being weird."

"Your face is weird," Natsu said, sticking out his tongue at her, and Sylvie snorted. Natsu shrugged. "Nah, I've just been thinking a lot."

"Don't hurt yourself," Sylvie said, and Natsu laughed, turning around and leaning against the railing.

"No picking on me," he said, "Uncle Gray does that enough already." Sylvie snorted, taking another sip of her drink. With her pierced eyebrow and black nail polish and wild hair, she reminded Natsu of himself so much that it hurt.

"I ran into my sister the other day," he said. Sylvie looked at him, confused. "Foster sister," Natsu clarified. "We spent a few years together in a home, I hadn't seen her since… well, before you were born. It was a bit weird."

Natsu dropped his gaze to the scuffed toes of his shoes, but he could feel Sylvie studying him. He felt raw and electric, like he was kindling and the slightest spark would burn him alive.

"It must have sucked," Sylvie said after a minute. Natsu looked up at her with a raised eyebrow. "Growing up without your parents? I dunno, mom's always on my case and dad's so fucking embarrassing like, all the time, but..." She trailed off, tipping the cooler between her hands.

"Yeah," Natsu said. "It sucked."

"Are your parents dead?" Sylvie asked. "You never talk about them."

Natsu laughed, tipping his head back and looking up at the sky. Sometimes Sylvie's bluntness was refreshing. "My mom's dead, I think," he said. "Dunno about my dad, though. He might still be around."

Sylvie was quiet for a minute, then asked, "are you thinking about finding him?"

Natsu looked over at Sylvie again in surprise. She was giving him the same stubborn look she always gave him when she asked him hard questions. The two of them had been close ever since she'd climbed onto his lap at three years old and asked him to read to her. Natsu always tried to be honest with her – especially now that she was older – but he didn't often talk about his family.

"Sorta," he admitted after a while. "Maybe. I dunno."

"Why didn't you want to find him before?"

Natsu laughed, rubbing his face. "You're not pulling any punches, huh?"

Sylvie shrugged. "Small talk's boring."

Natsu couldn't argue with that. He ran his hands through his hair, tying it back in a ponytail while he figured out what to say.

"I never looked for him because he left me when I was really little," Natsu said eventually. "And he made that choice, and it really hurt. I'm not sure I want to meet him. I dunno if I wanna find out why he didn't stay."

"He sounds like an asshole," Sylvie said, nudging Natsu until she was tucked under his arm. He laughed, kissing the top of her head.

"You'd better not talk like that around your mom," he said, "or I'm gonna get in trouble for being a bad influence again."

Sylvie hummed in agreement, finishing off her drink and leaning back against Natsu. It suddenly hit Natsu that Sylvie was the same age now as he'd been when he'd met Gray – when he'd tried to kill himself. An ache pressed heavily on his chest and he hugged her tighter.

"Well," Sylvie said, "if you do find him and he's a dick, you've still got us." She reached out to touch the leather bracelet around Natsu's wrist that she'd made for him at an art camp years ago. "You're _my_ family."

"I know," Natsu said softly. "Thank you."

Sylvie rested her head on Natsu's shoulder and they stood for long time under the stars, watching the moon move across the sky.

* * *

They didn't get back to the hotel until nearly two in the morning, and Gray immediately flopped face-first onto the bed, grumbling when Natsu tugged off his jeans and nudged him under the covers. Natsu settled in next to him, sitting against the headboard and running his fingers through Gray's hair.

Everything was a mess. Natsu's heart felt tangled, pulled in different directions, and none of it made any sense. He had everything he needed – a job, a husband who was patient with him, friends, and too many nieces and nephews to count. He already had a family.

But a memory kept playing in his mind, over and over, and Natsu couldn't make it go away.

_"I'm sorry." Natsu's dad – Neelan – sat on the swing set next to him at the park, kicking up sand and staring at the holes in his shoes. Natsu frowned. _

_"Why?" he asked. The park was mostly empty - it was still early March and there was a fine layer of snow on the playground equipment. _

_"I'm not gonna be here for your birthday," Neelan said sadly. Natsu didn't say anything, just frowned and kicked his legs to make the swing move faster. _

_"You promised," he said, disappointment souring the sticky sweet taste of ice cream on his tongue. "You said we'd go to a movie." _

_"I know, bud," Neelan said. He picked at his thumbnail and looked up at the sky. _

_"Where are you going?" Natsu asked. He pulled his hands into his too-big coat and wrapped the sleeves around the chains of the swing to keep his fingers from freezing. _

_Neelan didn't say anything, just stood up and waved to the social worker, who was making her way around the outskirt of the park. Natsu scowled at her. _

_"I don't wanna go back," he said, jumping off the swing and throwing himself at his dad. He wrapped his arms around Neelan's waist and shook his head. "I wanna come home with you, Dad. Please." _

_Neelan sighed, disentangling himself from Natsu's grip and crouching down in front of him. Natsu wiped at his face angrily and tried to pull away. The kids at school all made fun of him for crying too much, but he couldn't stop. _

_"You're strong," Neelan said, brushing Natsu's messy hair out of his eyes. "And you're gonna be a good person, okay? Better than me." _

_"Please, Daddy," Natsu whispered. He knew he was too old to be calling his father that, but right now he felt little and small and scared. "You promised." _

_"I'm so sorry, Natsu," Neelan said, pressing a kiss to Natsu's forehead. "I just… I can't do this. I hope one day you'll understand." _

_The disappointment and confusion in Natsu's chest turned to anger and he growled, shoving his dad away from him. _

_"You're stupid!" he shouted, kicking at the sand. "You promised and you're stupid and I hate you!" _

That had been the last time Natsu had seen his dad. He'd run away and been found an hour later by the social worker at the steps of his old house, and when she'd taken him back to the home, Natsu hadn't argued. The next time his dad was scheduled to visit, he didn't show up, and Natsu had tried his best to pretend it didn't hurt.

Natsu sighed, looking down at his phone and opening up his texts. The message from Wendy was still there, waiting for him.

He looked at Gray, who had rolled over and was now sprawled on his back in the middle of the bed. The moon glinted off his ring, and Natsu thought of his wedding vows.

_"I never had a family before you. I never had a home. Now you are my family. You are my home. It doesn't matter where we are - when I'm with you, I'm where I belong."_

Natsu swallowed down the lump that had appeared in his throat, then looked back at his phone. He sighed, closing the text and tossing his phone onto the bedside table. Then he settled down next to Gray, who mumbled something in his sleep and turned to wrap himself around Natsu. Natsu closed his eyes, curling up tightly in the circle of Gray's arms and letting himself fall asleep.

* * *

**French Translations**  
Quel beau chapeau! = What a nice hat!  
Bonne fête! T'es un vieil homme, huh? = Happy birthday! You're an old man, huh?  
Ça va? = How's it going?


	3. always have each other

Natsu felt like he'd just fallen asleep when his phone buzzed under his pillow. He grumbled sleepily, sitting up and rubbing his face as he frowned at the time on the screen – 5:58 am. Then he realized who was calling and his face broke into a smile.

"Hey, Noah," he said softly as he answered the video call. He glanced over at Gray, who was still fast asleep, then flipped on the light next to the bed.

There was no response from the little boy on the other end of the line, but Natsu didn't expect one. Noah was in his pajamas, clutching a well-worn stuffed dragon to his chest and gazing at Natsu intently.

"Sorry for waking you up." Sting's voice came from behind Noah. Natsu saw him settle down on the bed behind his son and run his fingers through Noah's blond curls.

"No worries, you know you can call anytime," Natsu said, settling back against the headboard and giving Noah a gentle smile. "What's up, buddy?"

Noah shook his head, turning and pressing his face against Sting's chest. Sting kissed Noah's forehead, then yawned and rubbed his eyes.

"He's having trouble sleeping," Sting explained. Natsu looked at the time again and did the mental math – it was three in the morning back in Magnolia.

"Bad dreams?" Natsu asked gently. Noah nodded, staring down at Sting's pajama pants and playing with a loose thread on them. "The dreamcatcher's not helping?" Noah shook his head, clutching the stuffed dragon tighter.

"We had a meeting with the social worker yesterday," Sting explained as Noah curled up tighter against him. "Kylie was there."

Sting and Ryos had adopted Noah just over two years ago after fostering him for a year, but the adoption was tentatively open with Noah's biological mother, Kylie.

"No," Noah said, voice muffled by Sting's shirt. Natsu saw Sting pull out his phone and type something into it, and a text popped up at the top of Natsu's screen.

_ She's been clean for six months and wants to visit him, but he doesn't want to see her. He cried the whole way home yesterday and wouldn't eat or talk... it feels like we're slipping backward again. _

Natsu gave Sting a sympathetic look. Before Sting and Rogue had fostered him, Noah's life had been traumatic at best - he'd been back and forth between his parents and grandparents, who all struggled with addiction. When Natsu had first met him, Noah hadn't quite been two, and hadn't even started walking. He hadn't talked until he was almost three, and even now he struggled to express himself.

_Ryos wants to tell her no, _Sting added._ I don't know what to do. She doesn't know him. She doesn't know what he needs. _

Sting rested his cheek on Noah's head again, brushing the curls out of his face and kissing Noah's forehead. Natsu stared at the text, trying to push away the angry sense of protectiveness he felt. Noah's myriad of special needs weren't easy to manage, and keeping him stable was a delicate balancing act.

Natsu sighed, then looked at Noah again.

"Guess what?" Natsu said. Noah peeked up at Natsu, frowning. "Uncle Gray and I are getting your birthday present later today. You remember how old you're gonna be?" Noah nodded, holding up five fingers and giving Natsu a tentative smile.

"Wow, five! You're gonna be bigger than me soon! You excited for your birthday?"

Noah nodded again, but his face quickly turned serious. "Home, home, h-home… when?" he asked.

"Three sleeps," Natsu said reassuringly. Noah pouted and rubbed his eyes. "You think you can go back to sleep if I tell you a story?"

Noah considered the question, looking up at Sting and then nodding.

"Okay, get your butt back into bed," Natsu said. Noah made a face but let Sting tuck him back in, then set the phone on the bedside table so Noah could still see Natsu.

"Dad stay?" Noah asked. Sting curled up on the bed behind Noah, giving him a fond smile as Noah snuggled back against Sting's chest. Sting mouthed _thank you _to Natsu before closing his eyes and almost instantly falling asleep.

"Okay, little man," Natsu said quietly, settling back down into his pillows and holding the phone up against his knees. "Once upon a time, there was a dragon and a brave prince..."

* * *

Gray woke up slowly to the sound of Natsu's soft snores. Natsu was curled up against Gray's back, and when Gray rolled over, he saw that Natsu's phone was curled up in his hand with the screen still on. On the other end, Gray could just see Noah, curled up against Sting, both fast asleep.

Gray smiled, shaking his head before taking the phone and hanging up, then setting it on the bedside table. Natsu mumbled something, nudging Gray's arm out of the way and curling up until his head was on Gray's chest. He threw his leg over Gray's thighs, trapping Gray against the bed.

"Hey, you," Gray said, combing his fingers through Natsu's hair. Natsu made a muffled sound against Gray's chest, pushing his head up into the touch. "You get a late-night call from Noah again?"

"Mm." Natsu yawned and slipped his hand under Gray's shirt, running his fingers over Gray's stomach. "He couldn't sleep."

"He probably misses you," Gray said. "You haven't been away from him for this long since you met him."

Natsu nodded, rubbing his thumb over Gray's hip. "I miss him too," he said. "It's not just that, though." He sighed. "Kylie wants to see him."

Gray didn't say anything, just combed out the knots in Natsu's hair with his fingers and waited. Everything about Noah was complicated, but Natsu had dove head-first into the little boy's life as soon as Ryos and Sting had decided to foster him. Natsu was more of a third parent to Noah than a family friend.

"I know she's his mom," Natsu said eventually. "It's just…" He tipped his head up to look at Gray, who drew his fingers up the scars on Natsu's arm. "It's complicated."

"You wanna talk about it?" Gray asked.

Natsu shook his head. Gray's fingers continued up the path of Natsu's scar, tracing the edges of it where it ran over his cheek, and the pale white marks at the corner of his lips. The sunny summer days had dotted freckles across Natsu's nose, and Gray traced the lines between them while Natsu closed his eyes and hummed happily.

"How about a distraction?" Gray suggested, rubbing his thumb across the tension in Natsu's temple and then sliding his fingers back into Natsu's hair. He dragged his fingernails across Natsu's scalp and Natsu made a sound that was almost a purr.

"Mmm. That feels nice."

"Yeah?" Gray smiled, shifting until he was up on one elbow. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Natsu's neck as he kept running his fingers through Natsu's hair. Natsu shivered, sliding his hand back down to Gray's hip and pulling him closer.

"Yeah."

Gray tightened his fingers in Natsu's hair and tipped his head to the side, trailing kisses across his collarbone. "Guess what?" he murmured against Natsu's skin. Natsu hummed. "'s our anniversary."

Natsu's fingers tightened on Gray's hip and he nudged Gray's head up until they were looking at each other. Natsu's smile was bright and sweet, and he pressed it to Gray's lips as he nudged Gray up to straddle his legs.

"Can't believe you've put up with me for ten years," Natsu murmured, rubbing his thumbs in circles over Gray's hips, then running his fingers over the hem of Gray's shirt and tugging it up over Gray's head. "I've heard I'm kind of a pain in the ass."

"Mm. You are." Gray sighed happily as Natsu ran his hands up Gray's stomach, then dragged his nails gently back down Gray's sides. "But since you're pretty, I think I can overlook it."

"You think I'm pretty?" Natsu teased, slipping his thumbs into Gray's boxers. Gray shifted his hips up, trying to move Natsu's hands where he wanted them, but Natsu just laughed, sliding his hands around to grab Gray's ass instead.

"I think you're gorgeous," Gray replied, rocking his hips down and leaning down to catch Natsu's breathy moan with his lips. "And mine."

Natsu pulled Gray against him, thrusting his hips up until they were grinding against each other and panting.

"We're gonna be late for breakfast with everyone," Natsu said as he tugged Gray's boxers down. "And they're totally gonna know what we were up to."

Gray laughed, leaning down and nipping at Natsu's ear. "It's our anniversary," he said, pressing kisses to Natsu's neck. "Let them think whatever they want."

* * *

Natsu leaned against the tree at the top of the hilly cemetery, staying in the shade and watching Gray lay a bouquet of flowers across his parents' graves. The afternoon was already hot, and Natsu could feel beads of sweat trickling down the back of his neck as he pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees.

Ultear approached Gray and Natsu watched as he laughed at something she said. It was nice to see Gray happy here. The first few times they'd come, Gray hadn't been able to do much but cry, but time had helped soften the pain.

Natsu thought of the candles Gray had set up at their wedding in memory of his parents. Three blue lights for those people who had loved him so much.

And a tiny red one for the people who hadn't loved Natsu enough to stay.

Natsu growled in frustration, pressing his forehead to his knees and squeezing his eyes shut. Why couldn't he stop thinking about this?

_He chose to leave, _Natsu thought, swallowing against the sudden press of tears behind his eyes. _He left me, and he doesn't care. _

Natsu pulled out his phone, opening the text from Wendy and staring at it. His thumb hovered over the 'delete' button, but he couldn't bring himself to press it.

Instead he flipped to his photos, scrolling up to one of him and Noah. It was from Noah's second birthday party – six months after Rogue and Sting had started fostering him. Natsu had gotten Noah to smile for the first time that day, and Gray had caught it on camera – Noah's pudgy hands on Natsu's cheeks, eyes wide as he grinned.

An ache pulled at Natsu's chest as he stared at the photo. Noah had changed Natsu's life, and the idea of leaving him made Natsu feel sick. Even when Noah had fits, when he screamed or broke things or refused to talk, the idea of quitting on him had never even entered Natsu's mind.

So what had Natsu done that had made his dad leave?

The curiosity was starting to outweigh the anger, and it terrified Natsu. He shoved his phone back into his pocket and rubbed his face.

"Uncle Natsu?"

Natsu looked up to see Sylvie standing over him, holding out a coffee cup.

"Hey, sunshine," he said, pushing himself to his feet and dusting off his pants before taking the mug from her and wrapping an arm around her. "Nice shoes."

Sylvie grinned and scuffed a mark into the ground with Natsu's old, well-worn combat boots. "Wanna go get our nails done later?" she asked, holding out her hand for inspection. Her black polish was chipping, and when Natsu looked at his own fingers, the sparkly blue was also peeling away.

"Tomorrow?" he suggested. "Uncle Gray's taking me on a fancy date tonight for our anniversary." He bumped her with his hip, then added, "probably gonna be lots of kissing."

Sylvie batted him away, making a face. "You guys are so gross."

Natsu laughed, poking her and dodging out of the way of retaliation before skipping backward down the hill. "In fact," he said, sticking his tongue out at her, "I think I'm gonna go kiss him right now, just for good measure."

The eye roll that Sylvie gave him was spectacular.

"Hey, Snowflake," Natsu said, slipping up next to Gray and kissing his cheek. "How's it goin'?"

"Good," Gray said softly, wrapping his arm around Natsu's waist.

Natsu was quiet for a moment, looking down at the headstones. It hit him, suddenly, that he didn't know where his mom was buried.

Did it matter, though? She was nothing more than a stranger who loved drugs more than him.

"You ready?" Gray asked, turning and kissing Natsu on the nose. Natsu could hear Sylvie groaning in embarrassment behind Gray, and the familiarity of the moment pulled him away from his thoughts.

"Mhmm," Natsu said, tucking his hand into Gray's back pocket. "Let's go celebrate."

* * *

"See, the problem with this date," Natsu said as they stared out of their glass cabin at the river, nearly two hundred feet below them, "is that you'll never be able to top it."

Natsu leaned against Gray's shoulder as he gazed down at the lights shining on the streets of Old Montréal. From the top of the giant ferris wheel, they could see for miles in every direction. The river wove beneath them, flashes of green and blue reflecting off its surface from the fireworks that exploded in the night sky.

Gray laughed, leaning his head against Natsu's and slipping their fingers together. Natsu brought their joined hands up to his lips and pressed a kiss to the ring on Gray's finger, sighing happily as their cabin moved higher up into the air.

"Happy anniversary," Gray said softly.

"Mm," Natsu replied, tipping his head up to catch Gray's lips in a kiss. _"Je t'aime." _

_"Je t'aime aussi, mon coeur" _Gray murmured against Natsu's lips, shifting until they were facing each other and he could run his fingers through Natsu's hair. He pulled Natsu closer, deepening the kiss and enjoying the soft, contented sounds Natsu made.

"You think we're gonna be up here long enough for me to get you undressed and dressed again?" Natsu teased, shivering as Gray's fingers ran across the back of his neck.

"You're incorrigible," Gray said, rolling his eyes. Natsu slid his hand up Gray's thigh, nudging Gray's head back until he could kiss Gray's neck.

"'s why you married me," Natsu replied, breath hot against Gray's skin. The fireworks continued behind them, lighting up the glass-walled cabin with brilliant shades of color. Gray sighed happily, running his fingers through Natsu's hair.

"I married you," Gray said softly, "because you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I'd be a wreck without you."

Gray could feel Natsu's smile against his skin. "You're such a sap," Natsu said, pulling back and gazing at Gray. He brought a hand up and brushed Gray's hair out of his face, his eyes dark and much more serious than they were a moment ago.

"What?" Gray asked, frowning. Natsu smoothed his thumb over the wrinkle that appeared between Gray's eyes, then kissed Gray's nose.

"I just love you," Natsu said. He took both of Gray's hands in his, looking down at the scars that ran across his arms – both from the fire, and from himself. "I know I've been kind of out of it the past few days. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Gray said, shaking his head. "I know…" He hesitated. "I know you don't like talking about it, but if you do wanna talk about your dad—"

"There's nothing to talk about," Natsu said quietly. "You're my family. You're all I need."

Gray sighed, running his thumb over Natsu's cheek. "Natsu," he said gently, but Natsu interrupted him with a kiss.

"Just..." Natsu trailed off, looking down at their joined hands. His voice turned very small and quiet as he said, "promise you won't leave?"

There it was. That quiet, sad desperation that had been following Natsu ever since their run-in with Wendy. Gray could feel it like a tangible thing around Natsu, and it made his heart ache.

"I will _never _leave you," Gray said, pressing their foreheads together and squeezing Natsu's hands. "Never. That's what this means, remember?" He ran his thumb over Natsu's wedding ring, where the word _always _was engraved on the inside of the band. "Always and forever, okay?"

Natsu nodded, and Gray could see the tears he was trying to hold back. Gray wrapped his arms around Natsu, pulling him close as they both stared out the window and listened to each other's heartbeats.

"I'll always be here," Gray said gently. "No matter what, we always have each other."

* * *

**French Translations**

Je t'aime = I love you  
Je t'aime aussi, mon coeur = I love you too, my love


	4. you are not a broken thing

"Am I too much?"

Gray had almost fallen asleep when Natsu asked the question, and he blinked sleepily, rubbing his eyes. Natsu was curled up beside him on the bed, one arm under his head, staring blankly at the screen of his phone.

"What?" Gray frowned. After their anniversary date Natsu had seemed to be back to his regular self, although Gray had seen bits and pieces of sadness and uncertainty peeking through during the rest of their trip. When they'd arrived home earlier in the day, Natsu had immediately curled up on the couch with Happy and taken a nap.

"Too much," Natsu repeated, voice small and quiet. "Am I... is that why..."

"Natsu," Gray said gently as tears appeared in the corner of Natsu's eyes. Natsu wiped at them angrily as Gray turned and reached out to pull Natsu into his arms. "What's wrong?"

Natsu shook his head and Gray sighed, shifting until Natsu was resting on Gray's chest.

"There's nothing wrong with you," Gray murmured, running his hand up and down Natsu's back. "I love you."

"But what if you don't, always?" Natsu asked, pressing his face against Gray's shirt. "What if... I just, I've always been... they all said it was too much, and I d-don't want to be like that. I don't want you to... to get sick of me and leave."

"Never," Gray whispered, an ache spreading in his chest under the damp patch on his shirt. "I love you, no matter what, and I'm always gonna be here, okay?"

Natsu took a shaky breath, then whispered, "my dad said that, too." He wiped at his face again, curling up tighter against Gray. "He promised, but h-he left, and he never said why, and I don't... maybe I was too much for him."

Gray ran his fingers through Natsu's hair, then tipped his head up until they were looking at each other. "It wasn't your fault," he said gently, stroking his thumb over Natsu's damp cheek.

"You don't know that," Natsu argued, fingers bunching the fabric of Gray's shirt into his fist. "It could..."

Gray hesitated, searching Natsu's face. All he could find there was heartbreak and uncertainty, and he sighed, making up his mind.

"I know you don't like talking about it," he said, "but... it was probably drugs, or drinking. Most of what Ultear sees – when the parents can't be parents, it's because they've got addiction issues, right? And that's not the kid's fault."

Something closed off in Natsu's expression and he looked away, staring at his hand on Gray's chest. He looked so young – a sad, lost little boy who didn't know what he'd done wrong.

"I hate not knowing," Natsu said eventually. "It still fucking hurts, it's been twenty-two years and I can't... every time I think I'm over it, that I'm fine without him, it comes back again, and I want to _know." _

Gray's heart ached and he wanted to take it all away, to heal that sense of abandonment and confusion and hurt. "Even..." He paused, staring down at the freckles across Natsu's nose. "Even if you did find him, you might not get answers. Or you might not like the answers he gives you."

Natsu nodded, shoulders slumping as he lay back down against Gray's chest, sliding his knee between Gray's thighs and wrapping his arm around Gray's waist.

"I know you want closure," Gray said, reaching down and tugging the blanket up over both of them. "I just... I love you so much, and I'm scared that if you do find him, it'll just make things worse."

Natsu tensed, feeling for a second like he was going to pull back but changing his mind at the last minute.

There was a loud _mrowl _as Happy jumped up onto the bed, stalking across the covers and slipping between the two of them. Happy headbutted Natsu, then curled up on his stomach, purring happily when Natsu scratched behind his ears.

"I'm tired," Natsu said quietly. "I gotta be at work early tomorrow."

Gray looked over at the clock – it was only 9:30, hours before Natsu usually went to bed. An uneasy feeling settled into his stomach and he held Natsu close.

_Please don't get bad, _he thought desperately. _I love you. _

"You excited to see Noah tomorrow?" he asked, changing the subject as he reached over and turned off the bedside lamp. Natsu and Sting owned a garage together in downtown Magnolia, and Sting had been bringing Noah to work during the summer.

"Yeah," Natsu said quietly, tipping his head up and pressing a kiss to Gray's cheek. "I missed him." Then he looked seriously at Gray, giving him a smile that Gray could tell was supposed to be reassuring. "Don't worry about me, okay? I'm fine."

Gray searched Natsu's face, uneasiness spreading through him as he took in the lines on Natsu's face. Part of him wanted to keep talking, to reassure Natsu, to tell him that it was okay to not be okay.

"If you want to—"

"Snowflake," Natsu interrupted, kissing his cheek. "I don't wanna talk about it anymore, okay? I wanna go to sleep." His voice was gentle, but his expression was sad and uncertain.

"Okay," Gray said softly as Natsu settled back against him and closed his eyes.

Natsu fell asleep quickly, hand spread out across Gray's chest, face relaxed as he snored lightly. Gray stayed up for a long time, trying to push aside the unsettled feeling that everything was definitely not okay.

* * *

As soon as Natsu opened the front door of the garage, there was a _woof _and the sound of claws clicking on the floor. An excited-looking chocolate lab careened around the corner and barked happily at Natsu, jumping up and down on the other side of the gate by the front counter.

"Hey, Chewie," Natsu said, dropping his bag on the ground and opening up the gate. He crouched down and laughed as the dog began to lick his face. "I missed you too, buddy. Where's Noah?"

"Back!" Natsu looked up to see Noah peeking out from behind the desk.

Natsu settled down on the floor with his legs crossed, gesturing for Chewie to lay down next to him.

"You wanna come sit, Noah?" he asked, patting the ground next to him. "Or you want a fist bump?"

Noah shook his head, then ran forward and threw himself at Natsu, wrapping his arms around Natsu's neck. Natsu sighed happily, pressing his face into Noah's hair.

"I missed you, buddy," Natsu said, hugging Noah tightly. "So, so much."

"So much," Noah replied, grinning and settling into Natsu's lap. Natsu brushed Noah's blond curls out of his face, then tapped the rim of his glasses.

"Are these new?" he asked.

Noah nodded, leaning against Natsu's chest and playing with the strings of his hoodie. Chewie's tail pounded against the floor and he tipped his head back onto Natsu's leg, panting happily.

"Where's dad?" Natsu asked. Noah didn't reply and Natsu didn't push it – getting a hug and cuddles out of Noah was enough of a win for the day. They sat in the beam of sunlight on the floor for a few minutes before the door at the back of the office opened and Sting appeared, wiping his dirty hands on a rag.

"Hey, monster," he said to Noah, who grinned at his dad and tugged on Natsu's hoodie strings. Sting stuck his tongue out at Noah, then turned to Natsu. "How was the trip?"

Natsu tipped his head back and forth uncertainly before answering, "pretty good." Sting raised an eyebrow, setting the rag down on the counter and leaning over to type something into the computer.

"That's not as enthusiastic as I was expecting," he said. Natsu sighed, kissing the top of Noah's head and then nudging him up. Natsu pushed himself to his feet and let Sting pull him into a hug. "What's wrong?" Sting asked, leaning back and squeezing Natsu's shoulder.

"Long story," Natsu said, rubbing his face. "Not—the anniversary was great, Gray was amazing."

"But?"

The four of them made their way into the back office. It was dark – Sting had covered the window with a blanket, and a pile of pillows sat in one corner of the room. Noah plopped himself down in them and Chewie curled up next to him, tail thumping happily.

Natsu leaned against the desk as Sting settled down next to Noah, passing him the iPad that had been sitting on the chair.

"I ran into one of my foster sisters," Natsu said, rubbing his face with both hands. "And… I'm thinking about looking for my dad."

"Dad!" Noah said, leaning against Sting and pointing to a picture on the iPad of him, Sting, Ryos and Chewie sitting by the tree in their backyard. Sting kissed the top of Noah's head, and Noah looked up at Natsu. "Th-that, that, the… it…" He shook his head and tapped the picture. "Dad."

"Yep, those are your dads, buddy," Natsu said, settling into the chair. "I have a dad, too."

Noah frowned, looking between Natsu and Sting. "You?" he asked Sting.

"Grampa is my dad, remember?" Sting said, reaching over and flipping to another photo of Noah building Lego with Wes. Noah still looked unconvinced but was quickly distracted by another picture and zoned out of the conversation.

Sting leaned back on his hands and looked up at Natsu. "You don't talk about your dad much," he said.

Natsu shrugged, tugging his hair out of its ponytail and running his fingers through it. He hadn't had time to shower this morning, and it felt greasy. Even after falling asleep before ten, his seven-a.m. alarm had been almost unbearable, and he'd hit snooze over and over until he only had five minutes to get ready and run out the door.

"I'm not sure how I feel about him," Natsu said. "And... Gray doesn't want me to find him." The irritated feeling that had flared up last night at Gray's mention of drugs started to prickle under Natsu's skin again.

Sting frowned. "Why not?"

"He thinks..." Natsu looked down at Noah, who appeared to be completely immersed in whatever game he was playing. "He says it was probably addiction." A piece of Natsu's nail was peeling away, and he picked at it, wincing when it tugged at the skin as well.

"Honestly," Sting said after a minute, "he's probably right." He looked over at Noah and reached over, brushing his bangs out of his face. "I know that's not what you wanna hear, but..."

Natsu sighed, settling down into the desk chair as he watched Noah show Sting something on the iPad. While Noah's mom was now clean, his dad was in prison for several drug-related offenses, and Noah would likely never see him again.

Now Noah had a home with Sting and Rogue, who loved him and took care of him and were patient with his needs. They took him to appointments, cuddled him when he got scared, explained things to him when he didn't understand. He had a family.

Natsu hadn't had that. He'd been difficult too, but nobody had cared enough to see past it to the little boy who was lost and angry. Not until Gray, and that relationship had been born from trauma, too.

"I'm gonna go get set up," Natsu said, pulling himself out of the memories and giving Sting a smile. He crouched down in front of Noah, poking at his knee. "We gonna go for ice cream after work?"

Noah grinned at him, not answering, but patting the back of Natsu's hand. Even that touch was unusually affectionate for him, and Natsu had the feeling that Noah could tell that something was going on, even if he didn't understand it.

Natsu smiled as he watched Noah turn back to the iPad and point out something to Sting. Even if Natsu never got answers from his dad, this family would always be here for him.

* * *

"I'm worried about Natsu."

Freed looked up from where they were lying in the shade of the tree by the playground, tipping their sunglasses up and raising an eyebrow at Gray.

"Is he—"

"Yeah, he's taking his meds." Gray rubbed his face, leaning back against the tree trunk. His whole body felt heavy and worn out, and the worry in the pit of his stomach was uncoiling and spreading through his limbs. "Well," Gray amended, "he says he is. I asked him this morning and he got mad at me."

"Mad?" Freed frowned, rolling over and pushing themself up on their elbows.

Gray sighed. "No, not… mad isn't the right word." He reached out and picked a dandelion from the overgrown grass and started peeling the petals off. "Annoyed."

Freed didn't say anything, just grabbed another dandelion and handed it to Gray when the first one was torn to ribbons.

"He thinks I don't trust him," Gray said eventually. "And… I mean, I do, I know he's an adult, but…" He ripped the flower in half, tossing it to the ground. "I don't want it to get bad again."

Gray tried not to think of last time – a little over a year ago, when Natsu's meds had stopped working and he'd spiralled into depression again. It was an endless push and pull, an illness that would never get better.

"Maybe it's not that," Freed suggested. "You said he was thinking about his dad… it could just be situational. And it's probably frustrating for him to not know if his feelings are his, or if they're part of a chemical imbalance."

Gray nodded. An ant crawled up the side of his iced coffee cup, pushing its way through the condensation, and he flicked it away.

"It sucks," he said quietly. Guilt washed over him at the words, and he shook his head. "Not—I'm not upset with him, it's not his fault—but it's not fair. I just want him to be happy, and sometimes I feel so useless."

"I know," Freed said, reaching out and taking Gray's hand. "You do everything you can, though."

"It's not enough," Gray argued. "It's never gonna be 'better' and… I know that, I've always known that. It's not his fault, and I would never blame him. Never. It's just…" He hesitated. "I'm worried that if he finds his dad, it's gonna make things worse."

Freed didn't say anything, just ran their thumb over Gray's knuckles. The silence made Gray's skin itch, but he knew there was nothing Freed could say. Nothing could make it better – nothing could make Natsu well, nothing could cure him.

Thinking of Natsu like that made Gray want to cry. Natsu wasn't a broken thing to be fixed, but if Gray could take away the things that made him hurt, he would do it in a heartbeat.

"I'm scared that he won't find what he's looking for," Gray said after a minute. He pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his chin on them and staring out across the park. Amelia and Rebecca – Freed's nieces – were running madly through the playground, playing an invented version of tag that involved a lot more tackling than what Gray was familiar with.

"What do you think he's looking for?" Freed asked.

"A reason," Gray said. "He wants to know why. But…"

Gray was caught off guard by the tears that suddenly caught in his throat and he tried his best to swallow them down.

"I just don't understand," he said. "His dad can't possibly have a reason that's gonna make Natsu feel better. How could he have abandoned his kid? What kind of…"

"My parents did," Freed said softly. Their parents had kicked them out when they were sixteen, and after a disastrous attempt at a reunion eight years ago, Freed had cut ties with them completely. The only family they still spoke with were their brother, Gabriel, his wife Sarah, and their daughters.

"Shit, I'm sorry," Gray said. "I didn't even think… "

"It's okay," Freed said, rolling over onto their back and looking up at the sky. "I just meant that there's lots of reasons that parents can't be parents anymore. I know you think it's drugs."

Gray tensed. "I just—"

"It makes sense," Freed continued, tipping their head back to look at Gray. "That's what Ultear sees most often, and what happened with you and Lyon." Gray's stomach twisted. "But my parents couldn't accept who I was, and Laxus' dad was… well, he's just an awful person. Some people just can't be parents. Or shouldn't be."

Gray dropped his forehead to his knees. "I know," he said quietly. "I'm just angry."

"You have every right to be," Freed said.

"No, I don't," Gray argued. "This is Natsu's choice, his dad, his trauma – not mine. I just…" He shook his head. "Even if Natsu found him and decided to forgive him, I don't know if I could. If he hadn't left, Don wouldn't have hurt Natsu. He might not have hurt himself, have tried to…"

"But he might have," Freed said. "You can't go back in time and predict what would have happened."

Gray grumbled, flopping down next to Freed and resting his head on their shoulder. A comfortable silence settled between them as they stared up through the leaves of the tree together, catching the patches of blue that were obscured with wisps of white cloud.

"You're right," Gray said after a while. "I just wish I could make it easier."

"You do," Freed said. "He loves you so much. Even if he's annoyed – it's not you, it probably just feels like he doesn't have much control right now, and when you ask him about the meds, I can imagine it seems like you're telling him that his feelings aren't real. That it's just his illness."

Gray nodded. "I didn't even think about that," he said quietly. A little bit of the anxious tension slowly started to dissipate, and he exhaled, focusing on the feel of the grass beneath him and the sun on his face.

"That's why you're friends with me," Freed said, tipping his head against Gray's. "I'm brilliant and give excellent advice."

"Yeah," Gray said, laughing. "You really do."

* * *

_A/N: Noah's a bit of a complicated character - he's almost six years old, but his language and emotional development are pretty far behind his peers (equal to a 3-4 year old) due to his mom's substance abuse issues when she was pregnant. He's got some sensory issues as well, which is why he's not always a fan of being hugged or touched. I haven't written him with any specific diagnosis, but he's definitely got a lot of special needs going on that require a lot of support from his dads and Natsu._


	5. trying to let it go

When Gray got home later that night, Natsu was fast asleep on the couch with Happy curled up on his stomach. Whatever Natsu had been watching on the TV was soft background noise to his quiet snores.

Gray settled down on the couch, brushing his fingers through Natsu's messy hair. Natsu stirred, grumbling and stretching before opening his eyes and blinking blearily at Gray.

"Hey," Gray said as Natsu pushed himself up, covering a yawn. Happy made a disgruntled sound, standing up and moving over to Gray's lap. He headbutted Gray until Gray started to pet him, scratching behind his ears.

"What time is it?" Natsu asked sleepily, feeling around for his phone.

"After six," Gray said. "You hungry?"

Natsu shook his head. "I feel kinda sick," he admitted, rubbing his face. He looked exhausted. "I think I'll skip supper tonight."

Gray studied Natsu, trying to push away the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach. Part of him wanted to ask if Natsu was okay, to check if he'd slept last night, to convince him to eat something. But Gray thought about Freed's advice and took Natsu's hand instead, running his fingers over the scarred skin.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. Natsu frowned. "For being overprotective," Gray clarified. "I didn't mean to make you feel like I don't trust you." He swallowed, wishing he didn't feel like crying. "I do, I just..."

"I know," Natsu said, leaning in and resting his head on Gray's shoulder. Gray wrapped an arm around him as Happy draped himself across both their laps, meowing pathetically until they both started to pet him.

Gray pressed his face into Natsu's hair and whispered, "I love you."

"I love you too," Natsu said, running his fingers through Happy's fur. "I'm sorry I was grumpy this morning. I've been taking my meds, I promise." He tipped his head back against Gray's shoulder and Gray kissed his forehead.

"Okay," Gray said. The uncomfortable feeling still lingered, but he pushed it away. "How was work?" he asked.

Natsu's face brightened. "Good. Noah was really cuddly today; it was nice." He curled up closer against Gray and yawned. "How's Freed?"

Gray slowly relaxed as they talked. The familiar conversation and Natsu's smile tempered his anxiety, and by the time the sun had set, Natsu seemed like himself.

"You ready for bed already?" Gray asked as Natsu yawned again. "It's only eight-thirty."

Natsu raised his eyebrows at Gray and grinned. "Bed, yes. Sleep, no."

"Are you propositioning me?"

"Maybe," Natsu said, leaning in and kissing Gray's nose. "What would you do if I was?"

Gray pretended to contemplate the question, then grabbed Natsu's wrist and pulled him to his feet. "This," he said, leaning in and kissing Natsu, then tugging on his hand and heading toward the bedroom.

Natsu nudged the door shut to keep Happy out, then made a surprised sound as Gray grabbed him around the waist and kissed him again.

"Maybe this, too," Gray said softly, kissing Natsu's neck. Natsu tipped his head to the side, sighing happily as Gray moved his lips up behind Natsu's ear, then down to his throat.

"I think I can handle that," Natsu murmured, running his fingers through Gray's hair and nudging him back up for a kiss. Gray pulled him closer, running his tongue over Natsu's lower lip. Natsu was warm and soft under Gray's roaming hands. He tasted like peach lip gloss and felt like home.

Gray moved his fingers to the hem of Natsu's shirt, pulling it off and tossing it to the floor. His own shirt quickly joined it and then they were chest to chest, fingertips tracing patterns over hot skin as they breathed each other in.

"Can I fuck you?" Natsu asked, dragging his nails down Gray's back and grinding forward against his thigh. The question went straight to Gray's cock and he groaned, pressing his forehead to Natsu's shoulder as Natsu's hand moved to the button on his jeans.

"Please," he breathed, shivering as Natsu undid the button and shoved his pants down his thighs. Natsu followed them, sinking to his knees as he tugged the jeans over Gray's feet and tossed them in the pile with the shirts.

"You look good down there," Gray murmured, running his fingers through Natsu's hair and tipping his head up. Natsu's eyes were dark, and his grin was mischievous and so very _Natsu _as he ran his tongue around the head of Gray's cock. Heat sparked in Gray's stomach and he moaned, tipping his head back and tightening his fingers in Natsu's hair.

Words were lost as Natsu took Gray in, dragging his fingernails down Gray's thighs as he let Gray guide him by his hair. Gray's legs trembled and his moans got louder as Natsu's tongue worked around him, pulling him closer and closer to the edge. Natsu knew every piece of Gray – what made him gasp, what made him curse, what made him fall apart.

"N-natsu… wait…" Gray's voice shook and Natsu pulled back, looking up at Gray. Gray combed his fingers gently through Natsu's hair, then reached down to help Natsu up and pulled him close.

"You're too good at that," Gray murmured, pressing his forehead to Natsu's shoulder. "Don't wanna come yet."

Natsu kissed Gray's cheek and wrapped his arms around Gray's waist. "Well, I did say I was gonna fuck you," he said, voice low and sweet.

Gray took a few shaky breaths as Natsu stroked his back. Natsu was so warm and alive beneath his fingertips, and the anxiety in Gray's chest dissolved completely, turning to hot sparks that trailed underneath Natsu's soft caresses.

"C'mere," Natsu whispered. He pushed Gray gently back until he was spread out on their bed, then settled between his legs. "You're so hot." Natsu ran his fingers from Gray's hips up his chest, then wrapped one hand lightly around his throat. Gray exhaled sharply, tipping his head back and grabbing Natsu's hip to pull him closer.

Natsu leaned down and kissed Gray again, fingers pressing lightly against his throat and making him feel dizzy and weightless. Gray loved the sensation – Natsu taking control, Gray trusting him completely.

Gray kept one hand on Natsu's hip, pulling him down to grind together, and brought the other up to tug at the piercing in Natsu's nipple. Natsu gasped into his mouth, thrusting against him as his fingers tightened on Gray's neck again.

"Fuck, I need you," Natsu whispered.

"Then take me," Gray growled. Natsu groaned and let go of Gray's throat to brace himself on the bed, biting down on Gray's lip and then reaching over to the bedside table.

By the time Natsu was inside Gray they were both panting, red-faced and sweaty.

"You feel so good," Natsu said, voice shaking as he thrust into Gray. His arms trembled on either side of Gray's head and Gray ran his hands up them, then combed his fingers through Natsu's hair.

Natsu was everything – in Gray and surrounding him, warm and loving and gorgeous. This was the man Gray loved. He was confident and sunny, and Gray trusted him completely.

Gray gasped as Natsu shifted his hips, rocking forward as he whispered Gray's name over and over. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to Gray's, shoulders shaking as Gray dragged his nails over his brown skin and left red marks behind.

"N-natsu," Gray warned, tipping his hips up and pressing his head back into the pillow. He was full and aching and so, so close.

"C'mon, baby," Natsu murmured, leaning down and kissing Gray as he wrapped a hand around Gray's cock. "Wanna watch you fall apart."

Gray bit down on Natsu's lip, then brought his hands down to Natsu's hips and gripped them tight to pull him close. Warmth flooded through Gray's body and everything tensed, pulling into a tight point of heat before bursting through him as he cried out.

"Gray," Natsu whispered, tensing as he came, hips jerking and breath coming in short, sharp pants.

"I've got you," Gray murmured, running his hands up Natsu's back. Natsu shuddered against him, then collapsed forward on his elbow, letting out an undignified sound as he rolled off Gray and curled up next to him.

Gray pulled Natsu into his arms, combing gentle fingers through his hair and kissing his forehead. He loved these moments where they were both shaky and vulnerable, and every touch felt like a whispered promise.

"I love you," Natsu murmured against Gray's collarbone, wrapping an arm around his waist and sighing happily. "Thanks for being patient with me."

"You don't have to thank me," Gray said, pressing his face into Natsu's hair. The apprehension from earlier had faded away, and all he felt now was warm and content.

Maybe he was wrong about this time. Maybe it was going to be okay.

* * *

Over the next few weeks, Natsu tried not to think about his dad. Work was busy, and he spent as much time as possible at the garage. Working with his hands helped him focus, and Noah was starting to show an interest in mechanics, so Natsu spent a lot of time explaining how things worked to him.

Whenever Natsu had down time, though, the thoughts kept creeping back in. His dreams were strange and unsettling – images of his dad disappearing into dust or sinking into the sea while Natsu watched, helpless. They always ended with him alone.

He'd wake from the dreams, sweaty and scared, and every time he'd reach out for Gray, only to pull back at the last second. Gray had been happy since their talk a few weeks ago, and Natsu didn't want him to worry. This was transient. It would pass once Natsu's brain realized that he was thirty and didn't need his dad, and things would go back to normal.

* * *

"I can't believe he's fourteen."

Natsu leaned back against the counter next to Lucy, crossing his arms over his chest and watching Kaden roughhouse with one of his friends through the window to the backyard. Birthday streamers were hung haphazardly across the fence, and the remains of a cake sat on the patio table.

Lucy laughed, leaning into Natsu and resting her head on his shoulder. "He's so grown up now," she said as he wrapped an arm around her. "Remember when he was born?"

Natsu tipped his head back, picturing the harrowing drive he'd made to the hospital with Lucy in the back seat, sixteen and in labor while her dad was out of town on business. They'd both been terrified, but when Natsu had held Kaden for the first time, curled up on the hospital bed with Lucy, it had changed him. He'd felt strong and brave and important, like he didn't have to hurt himself anymore.

Cana appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, raising an eyebrow at the two of them.

"You stealing my wife?" she teased, tossing the tab from her pop can at Natsu's head. He grabbed it out of the air and flicked it back at her, sticking out his tongue. Lucy and Cana had never actually gotten married – their relationship was still open, and Cana had a boyfriend who lived an hour away – but they still referred to each other as wives, and Kaden called Cana 'mom.'

"Just reminiscing," Natsu said as Cana came over to them, grabbing Lucy's hands and pulling her into a hug. "Thinking about him starting high school next year makes me feel old."

Cana snorted, kissing Lucy on the cheek before nodding toward the window. "At least you don't have to live with him," she said, ignoring the way Lucy elbowed her in the ribs. "His eye rolls are _spectacular." _

"I believe it," Natsu said. "I dunno how Ultear and Xavier deal with three teenagers all the time, it sounds exhausting."

"Ugh." Cana made a face, then gave Natsu a look. "You and Gray ever gonna have kids?"

Natsu shook his head immediately. "We've got enough nieces and nephews to keep us busy," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. This wasn't the first time someone had asked him or Gray that question – far from it – but this time, his 'no' was accompanied by an unsettled feeling in his stomach.

"Well if you ever want this one, you can have him," Lucy teased.

The words hit Natsu in the chest and suddenly, he couldn't breathe.

_We don't want him here_

_Take him back_

_You'll never have a family_

_One day you'll understand_

"Natsu, gods, I'm so sorry, that was... I didn't mean it like that," Lucy said, reaching out for Natsu's arm. He pulled back, stepping away from the counter and bunching his hands into fists.

"No," he managed, "it's... sorry, it's fine."

"No, Natsu, that was awful of me." Lucy stepped forward again and Natsu forced himself to smile at her, wiping his suddenly sweaty palms on his jeans.

"It's okay," he said, trying to keep his voice even. "Sorry, I'm just..."

"Natsu, I—"

"Luce, don't," he said gently. "Don't, it was a joke. I'm just... I need a minute, okay?" He reached out and took her hand, squeezing gently. She looked like she was about to cry, and he sighed. "I'm fine," he said softly. "I'm just gonna go find Gray."

* * *

Natsu could see Gray outside in the backyard, leaning against the fence and talking to Gajeel. Natsu watched him for a minute, then headed for the bathroom instead. He closed the door behind him, locking it and sitting down on the side of the tub. He felt dizzy – jealousy and fear and grief all whirling through his head.

Lucy's words ached. He knew she didn't mean them, but they dug into him anyway, and all he could think of was a disappointed face and the words, _one day, I hope you understand._

He didn't understand, and he couldn't keep lying to himself anymore. He needed to know.

Natsu pulled out his phone, opening the text from Wendy and staring at it. Before he could change his mind, he clicked on the phone number and hit 'call.'

Almost immediately a recorded voice started speaking: "Thank you for calling Reunion and Reconnection, where we help families find each other."

Natsu hung up immediately.

An anxious pressure filled his chest and he sighed in frustration, deleting the number from his 'recent calls' list and then flipping back to the text. He considered clicking on the e-mail address instead but couldn't bring himself to press the link.

Natsu groaned, rubbing his face and looking over at the frosted window. He could hear the kids playing outside, shouting as they chased each other across the back yard. He couldn't stop thinking about Kaden and the wide smile on his face when Loke had shown up; or the way Noah looked at Sting and Ryos; or how Kiya pretended to be exasperated with Gajeel but would kiss his cheek when nobody was looking.

Natsu turned back to his phone and flipped to the internet instead, quickly typing 'Neelan Langdree' into the search bar. He'd considered doing it hundreds of times before but had never been able to bring himself to hit 'search.'

This time, he did.

The first few results were about businesses – nothing Natsu recognized. But then a Facebook profile popped up, with a blurry picture of a man with long, dark hair, and Natsu stopped breathing.

"Dad?" he whispered. Part of him wanted to go to Gray, to ask him for help, to do this together. But then he thought of Gray's concerned face and the questions he'd ask and the suspicions he'd have, and Natsu shook his head.

He was just going to look. It's not like he was doing anything – just looking at a Facebook profile. And it probably wasn't his dad anyway. It couldn't be this easy. His dad couldn't have been a Google search away for Natsu's entire life, that was ridiculous.

Natsu took a deep breath and clicked on the link, and as soon as the picture enlarged, he knew he was wrong.

It was his dad.

Natsu didn't realize he was crying until a few tears dripped off his cheeks and hit the screen of his phone. He wiped them off hurriedly, scrubbing at his face and taking a shaky breath before examining the picture.

Neelan was young – in his late forties or early fifties – with dark hair pulled back in a long ponytail and Natsu's eyes. He was holding a bottle of beer and leaning against a pier as the sun set behind him, laughing at something the picture-taker was saying. He looked happy.

Natsu threw his phone down on the floor and bit back a sob, wiping at his face and running his hands through his hair.

"Fuck you," he whispered. "Fuck… what the… why…"

There was a knock at the bathroom door and Natsu jumped, cursing as he nearly fell into the tub.

"Natsu?" It was Lucy. "You okay?"

Natsu swallowed a few times, then managed a, "fine, just gimme a minute," hoping his voice didn't sound as shaky as it felt.

"You sure you're—"

"I said I'm fine, Luce."

There was a long silence, and then retreating footsteps.

Natsu snatched his phone up off the floor, closing the picture of Neelan and quickly scanning the Facebook profile. There were no other photos, and the job description was listed as 'self-employed.' Natsu scrolled down to the bottom and his eyes widened when he saw Neelan's location – Victoria.

That was less than two hours away from Magnolia.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Natsu whispered, phone shaking in his hand. Twenty-two years of grief and anger and his dad had been two fucking hours away the whole time?

Natsu slipped off the edge of the tub and sunk to the ground, trying to breathe through the tightness in his chest. His thoughts jumped from place to place and the screen blurred in front of his eyes as he tried to focus.

_To connect with Neelan, join Facebook today. _

Natsu felt like he was watching himself from far away as he clicked 'join,' quickly typing in his e-mail address and other information. He couldn't feel his fingers, and he misspelled his name three times before finally getting it right.

When his phone dinged with the confirmation email, he jumped, banging his elbow against the tub.

Then he was staring at the message window and the picture of his dad, trying to figure out what to say. Part of him wanted to throw the phone away, wanted to run out into the yard and grab Gray and head down to the beach and pretend none of this had ever happened. He had a family. He didn't need someone who threw him away.

Natsu wiped at his eyes and looked up at the window again, then back down at his phone. If he didn't do this now, he'd never be able to do it.

_hey dad, _he typed. _its me._


	6. keeping secrets

Three days later, Natsu got a reply. He was coming back from the washroom at three in the morning when he saw his phone flashing with a message and picked it up.

_Wow… I don't even know what to say. Hey, I guess?_

Natsu sat down heavily on the bed, staring at the words before opening the message window. Neelan was online – the little green dot beside his name made Natsu's stomach twist.

He looked over at Gray, who was fast asleep with Happy curled up next to him. A few stray hairs fell in Gray's eyes and Natsu reached over, gently brushing them away and running his finger down Gray's cheek.

Gray mumbled something, shifting onto his side and pulling the pillow closer to him.

"Hey, Snowflake," Natsu whispered. "You awake?"

The only response was a soft snore, and Natsu looked back at his phone uncertainly. He shuffled until his back was pressed up against Gray's legs but turned so that the light from his phone screen wasn't hitting Gray's face.

_hey, _he typed, then sat there, thumbs hovering over the keys for a moment before hitting 'send.' His stomach clenched and he reached out for Gray, ready to wake him up, but his phone buzzed again.

_I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. _

Natsu wished he could hear the emotion behind the words as they travelled across the screen. Was Neelan angry? Happy? Frustrated? Did he want to have this conversation, or was he ready to tell Natsu to leave him alone?

Another message popped up. _How are you? You probably have lots of questions. _

Natsu stared at his phone, trying to figure out how to answer.

_yeah i guess, _he replied eventually. _i didnt think id look for u but my foster sister found her mom and it made me think. u live pretty close. its kinda weird. _

Neelan's reply came quicker than Natsu expected. _I never thought you'd want to look for me. You're what, thirty now? _

Natsu typed back a quick _yeah, _then tipped his head back and rubbed his face. A million questions were running through his mind, and he wasn't sure what to say.

_I'm not sure how to ask this, _Neelan wrote, _but… did you find a family? Were you okay after I left? I'm really sorry things turned out the way they did. _

A spike of anger and hurt flared up in Natsu's chest and he curled up in on himself, swallowing back the tears that suddenly pressed at the back of his eyes. How was he supposed to answer that?

_im married now, _he said eventually. _he's my family. _

After he hit send, a wave of trepidation washed over him – he hadn't even thought about the idea of coming out to his dad. It was something everyone in his life already knew, and nobody had ever had a problem with it. But what if his dad did? Natsu's palms felt slick and he nearly dropped his phone when it buzzed again.

_I'm really happy for you. I saw your last name was different. What's his name? _

Natsu exhaled, pressing his forehead to his knees and glancing over at Gray again. He ran his fingers through Gray's hair, thinking again about waking him up. Everything felt surreal, like this was just a movie about somebody else who was hurt and broken and unsure.

_gray, _he replied. _weve been maried for 10yrs. _

_Wow. Do you have any kids? _

The question stung. Natsu wiped at his face before answering _no, _then set his phone face-down on the bed next to his pillow and ran his hands through his hair. Happy made a sound that was half-purr, half-grumble, and stretched himself out, then headbutted Natsu until Natsu scratched his back.

The phone buzzed twice and Natsu reached out for it, then drew back his hand, shaking his head. He was exhausted, suddenly, and the ache in his chest made him feel heavy.

He moved the phone off to the side of the bed, then curled back up under the covers, shifting until his back was pressed to Gray's chest. Gray made a soft, sleepy sound, wrapping his arm around Natsu's waist and pressing his face to the back of Natsu's neck.

"I love you," Natsu whispered, threading his fingers through Gray's and squeezing his hand tightly. Gray tucked his knee between Natsu's legs, and Natsu sighed, relaxing into the embrace. This was his home. No matter what his dad said, Natsu was safe here, with Gray.

* * *

Natsu meant to tell Gray as soon as they woke up the next morning, but when he yawned and rolled over, he realized he was alone in bed. The shower was running, and Natsu considered joining Gray, then looked over at his phone and groaned. He reached out and grabbed it but didn't look at the screen, setting it face-down on his chest and taking a few deep breaths.

_Why did you leave? _he thought, rubbing his face. That's all he needed to type. He didn't even need to look at the other messages from last night – they weren't important. All Natsu cared about was the answer. He didn't need a relationship with someone who left.

Finally, he opened his notifications and stared at the messages from his dad.

_I feel awful for leaving you, _the first one read. _I think about you a lot. I just couldn't be a dad, and I know that's hard to understand. I thought you'd be better off without me. _

The next one said, _I know it doesn't make it better, but it hurt me a lot to leave you, too. I still have a picture of us in my wallet. _

It was accompanied by a snapshot of a faded, worn picture of Neelan, looking like he was in his early twenties. In his lap was Natsu – maybe around three years old, chubby-cheeked with messy brown hair and a missing front tooth. He was gazing up at Neelan with bright eyes and a wide smile.

Natsu stared down at the picture. At first, all he could see was the adoring way he was looking at his father. Then he started picking up other details – the bracelet Neelan wore, the swingset in the background, a residue of sticky ice cream on little Natsu's cheeks. Neelan's hair was pulled back in a similar ponytail to the one Natsu had now, and he wore a hoodie with Magnolia's hockey team logo on the chest.

Natsu swallowed, rubbing his face as a hot flush crept across his face and something unfamiliar bubbled in his stomach.

_wow, _he typed back after staring at the picture for several minutes. _i dont have any picturs of me when i was little. _

_I have more, if you'd like to see them, _came the almost immediate response. _I'm sure you look a lot different now._

Before Natsu could think about what he was doing, he opened his photo folder and scrolled through them until he came to one that Gray had taken a few weeks ago, of Natsu with Sylvie at the night market in Richmond. They were both holding up cups of bubble tea and grinning at the camera.

Natsu clicked 'share,' and when the message popped up that the picture was sent, the bubbling in his stomach intensified. It took a few minutes for Neelan to respond, and Natsu was about to start panicking when the words finally popped up.

_You look just like your mom. _

"Hey, you." Gray's voice snapped Natsu out of his trance and he closed the app quickly, guilt filling his chest. Gray stood in the doorway to the bathroom in a t-shirt and boxers, damp hair hanging in his face, squinting over at Natsu. "How'd you sleep?" he asked, moving over to the bed and grabbing his glasses from the side table.

"Good," Natsu said, shoving his phone under his pillow and shuffling over to Gray's side of the bed. He caught Gray around the waist, pulling him in and kissing his cheek. "You been up for a while?"

_Tell him, _Natsu thought. _Just say it. 'I found my dad.' _

"Yeah, I just got back from the pool," Gray said, wrapping his arms around Natsu's shoulders. "I was gonna wake you up, but you were snoring, and you looked like you needed the sleep."

Natsu snorted, then tugged Gray down onto the bed with him until they were curled up together and Natsu could run his fingers through Gray's hair. Gray hummed happily, closing his eyes and shifting closer.

"I…" Natsu swallowed, forcing himself not to look back at his phone.

Gray tipped his head back to look at Natsu. "What's wrong?" he asked, and Natsu's heart sank as Gray's face quickly transformed from content to concerned. It was that look, the one that made Natsu feel safe and helpless at the same time. This Gray was cautious, and if Natsu told him, he'd start asking questions Natsu couldn't answer.

_Is he sober? How did you find him? He could be lying. He left you. It was probably drugs. Be careful. _

"Nothin'," Natsu said, shaking his head and kissing Gray's forehead. "Still tired, that's all." Gray frowned, but before he could ask any more questions, Natsu poked him in the ribs and said, "y'know what would wake me up?"

"What?" Gray asked, giving Natsu an unimpressed look and swatting away his finger good-naturedly. Natsu forced himself to smile.

"Pancakes."

* * *

Natsu didn't check his phone again until he got to work. He gave Sting a quick wave through the back window, then headed to the office, dropping his bag under the desk and taking a deep breath before opening his messages.

There were three pictures from Neelan. One was of him holding Natsu as a tiny baby, almost too small to be real; another was of Natsu as a toddler playing at the beach.

The last one was of a young, pretty girl, maybe sixteen or seventeen, with long, black hair and brown skin just like Natsu's. She was sitting on the end of a slide at a playground, toes dug into the sand, laughing with her head thrown back as the sun set in the background.

Natsu let out the breath he'd been holding, touching the picture carefully with shaky fingers. The girl was so young and looked so pretty, and all Natsu could think about was that she was dead.

"Who's that?"

Natsu nearly dropped his phone when Sting appeared behind him, looking at the picture over his shoulder. Part of Natsu wanted to close it or make something up, but he couldn't stop himself from whispering, "my mom."

Sting froze behind him, then touched Natsu's arm gently. Natsu took a shaky breath, turning around slowly and slumping into the office chair.

"Are you okay?" Sting asked gently, crouching down in front of Natsu. "Hey, Natsu, look at me," he said gently. "C'mon, breathe."

Natsu shook his head, relinquishing his grip on the phone as Sting took it from him and set it on the desk. He looked over at the picture again, taking an unsteady breath before exhaling sharply and looking down at Sting.

"I found my dad," he said, the words spilling out of him. "He—I looked on Facebook, I'm so stupid, I don't know why I didn't do it before, and he lives in Victoria, he's been… fucking, two hours away this whole fucking time, and I didn't even think, and then he said he was sorry and he missed me and…" He paused, when whispered, "I look like my mom." He didn't even realize it was crying until his vision got burry, and he wiped his face with the back of his hand. "She looks h-happy."

Sting squeezed Natsu's knee reassuringly. "That's a lot," he said. "Do you want me to call Gray?"

"No," Natsu said quickly, taking a deep breath as he tried to get his pounding heart under control. "No, he's at—he's in a meeting. I'm fine, I'm okay. I was just surprised, I didn't think…"

"How long have you guys been talking?" Sting asked, standing up and grabbing the stool from the other side of the room. He pulled it over to the desk and settled down on it across from Natsu.

"Just since last night," Natsu said, picking at his nails. "Or, early this morning, I guess."

He reached out slowly and picked up his phone again, staring at the picture of his mom before flipping back to the other ones. "I've never seen pictures of myself as a kid," he said softly.

"Shit, you were tiny," Sting said, leaning in to look at the one of Neelan holding Natsu. It was taken in a hospital, and Natsu was lying on Neelan's chest, barely bigger than the hands that held him. Neelan was staring down at him, and he looked…

"He loved me," Natsu whispered. Neelan was smiling in the photo, eyes wide and awed and very much enamored with the tiny baby in his arms. Something complicated grew in Natsu's chest – a feeling that was part pain and longing, and part relief.

"Why don't you take the day off?" Sting suggested, squeezing Natsu's arm. "I'm sure Gray's meeting will be over soon. You wanna text him?"

Natsu nodded numbly, the words washing over him as he stared at the picture. His dad had loved him, had wanted him, had held him and looked at him like Natsu was his world.

So what had happened?


	7. we all fall down

_A/N: If you haven't read 'crash & burn,' here's a short recap that's pertinent to this chapter: Gray's parents were killed in a car accident when he was little and he was adopted by his mom's friend Ur. She had a biological daughter, Ultear, and another adopted son, Lyon. When Gray was a teenager, his uncle murdered Ur. Ultear got custody of Lyon and Gray and they moved to Magnolia where both boys joined a gang. When they started selling/using drugs, Gray turned Lyon into the police. Lyon retaliated by coming to Gray's house while he was high and shooting him, claiming that he should have died instead of Ur. Lyon was sent to prison for a myriad of charges, and Gray hasn't talked to him since._

* * *

Several days went by, and Natsu still couldn't tell Gray. The more time passed, the heavier his chest felt, but every time he tried to say the words they disappeared.

_I found my dad._

_He loved me._

_I broke your trust._

_I'm sorry._

Sometimes, Natsu was tempted to delete the messages and pretend it hadn't happened. Every time he tried, though, Neelan would send him another photo, or another story about Natsu as a little kid.

_You were always brave,_ Neelan texted him a couple days later while Natsu was curled up on the couch with Happy. _Always climbing stuff or getting into things you shouldn't. You cut your thumb open at the playground one day and you didn't even cry when you got stitches._

Natsu stared down at his hands; at the scar on his thumb that wasn't from playing, but from broken glass. He'd been eight years old and had hurt himself because he'd missed his dad and had just wanted a hug. Natsu didn't have a scar from Neelan's story.

_He's lying,_ a tiny voice in Natsu's mind whispered. _He left you and he didn't care. None of it is real._

The voice sounded a lot like Gray, and Natsu tried to ignore it.

Instead he flipped through the pictures Neelan had sent him. There weren't many, but Natsu already had them memorized, even though he could barely recognize himself in those gap-toothed smiles. He didn't remember any of them.

Natsu sighed, tipping his head back against the couch and looking down the hallway toward Gray's office. Gray had been busy lately – his company was releasing a new game soon, and Gray spent most of the days at the computer, tweaking code and talking on the phone.

Natsu's phone dinged again and he looked down at another message from Neelan.

_I know it's only been a few days, but I've been thinking about this a lot. If you aren't ready, I completely understand._

Natsu frowned, but as he read the rest of the message, his eyes widened.

_Do you want to meet?_

The words swam on the screen and Natsu immediately set the phone down on the coffee table as a rush of adrenaline crashed through him. It left him breathless and shaky, and he picked his phone up and set it down several times before pushing it across the coffee table and covering his face with his hands.

Meet his dad? Natsu knew, theoretically, that Neelan was only a boat ride away – just across the water to a city Natsu had visited hundreds of times before. Him and Gray had gone to the aquarium there a few years ago for Gray's birthday.

The urge to tell Gray hit Natsu, suddenly, and he pushed himself up from the couch. He pulled the sleeves of his sweater down over his hands and stared up at the ceiling, exhaling sharply. Happy appeared, rubbing himself against Natsu's legs, and Natsu bent down to pick him up.

"C'mon," he said, kissing the top of Happy's head. "I gotta fix this."

The door to the office was open and Natsu could hear Gray talking on the phone. He was about to knock, but stopped when he heard the concerned edge to Gray's voice.

_"Bien sûr je lui fais confiance,"_ Gray was saying. "That's not it," he continued in French. "I just... I'm scared, and I don't want to make him upset." The person on the other end of the phone – it had to be Freed, since Ultear was at the cabin with Xavier and the kids and Gray didn't speak French with anyone else – said something and Gray shook his head. "No, he's been taking them. I checked."

Natsu took a step back, chest tightening as he realized that Gray was talking about him. Irritation flared up as he thought about Gray checking his pill container – he'd already told Gray he was taking them. Gray didn't trust him.

"I don't think that's it," Gray said in response to a question from Freed. "I think he's still stuck on his dad." He tipped his head back against his computer chair and rubbed his face. "I almost wish we'd never run into Wendy. He's been off since then, and I don't know what to do."

A hot flush crept into Natsu's cheeks as he set Happy down, then leaned against the wall of the hallway and rubbed his face with both hands. A spark of anger lit amidst the guilt Natsu had been carrying around.

"He says he doesn't, but I'm pretty sure Natsu wants to find him," Gray continued, then paused for a response from Freed. "No, it's a terrible idea, but I just... I can't talk to him about it. He gets so defensive."

_Do you want to meet?_

The spark flared into embarrassed resentment as heat flushed up Natsu's neck and into his cheeks.

"No," Gray said into the phone, shaking his head. "Even if Natsu could forgive him, I don't think I can. Natsu went through so much shit because of that asshole, and I know he thinks he'll get answers, but he's just going to get hurt."

Natsu's jaw tightened and he exhaled shakily, balling his hands into fists. Gray was wrong. Part of Natsu wanted to slam the door open and yell at him – _my dad loved me, he's talking to me, he's not dangerous, he wants to meet._ But an image of Gray's concerned, cautious expression filled Natsu's mind and he shook his head.

"No, he doesn't need to hear that." Gray's voice softened and Natsu tipped his head to look through the door again. Freed said something else and Gray sighed, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the desk. "I'm just tired," he said quietly.

Natsu stared down at his hands where his nails were making dark marks in his palms. The ache spread through his chest, equal parts anger and humiliation, and he took another step back down the hallway.

_I'm just tired._

Tired of Natsu, tired of his ups and downs, his medication changes, his stupid fixations, his anger and sadness and tears and the way he fucked up over and over again. Tired of him, just like Neelan, just like his foster parents, just like Don who had told him _go survive on your own._

Gray said something else but it was drowned out by the roaring in Natsu's ears. Suddenly he needed to be anywhere but here. He backed down the hallway to the front door, slipping on his sandals and closing the apartment door as quietly as possible.

He took the stairs two at a time, and when he got to the front door of the building, he turned toward the beach and started running.

* * *

Gray yawned, pushing his chair away from the desk and rubbing his eyes. The code on the computer screen was starting to blur together, and when Gray reached for his coffee, it was disappointingly empty.

"C'mon, Happy," he said, nudging the cat off his lap. Happy meowed disapprovingly, then sauntered off into the kitchen as Gray followed close behind. He was about to turn on the coffee maker when his phone started to ring. Ultear's name popped up on the screen and Gray frowned. She and Xavier were supposed to be at their lake cabin with the kids this weekend.

_"Allo?"_ he said, tucking the phone between his shoulder and ear as he started to scoop coffee into the filter. _"Quoi de neuf?"_

At first there was no answer, and Gray frowned. Then Ultear's voice came through, quiet and shaky. _"J'ai besoin de te parler."_ She sounded like she'd been crying.

_"Qu'est-ce qu-il y a?"_ Gray asked, setting down the coffee as a cold thread of panic twisted in his stomach. "Are you okay?"

"Are you home?" Ultear asked instead of answering the question. Gray made an affirmative sound, an uncomfortable feeling settling in his chest as he heard her car starting in the background. His mind immediately went to Natsu, but that made no sense. Natsu was at work, with Sting.

"Ultear, what's—"

"It should be in person," Ultear said, letting out a shaky sigh. "I'll be there in soon." She hung up before Gray could argue and he stared down at the phone, frowning in concern.

Gray spent the next half an hour alternating between panic and confusion. He sent a quick text to Natsu, but there was no answer, and he was just about to call Freed back when there was a knock at the apartment door.

_"Qu'est-il arrivé?"_ he asked as soon as he saw Ultear's tear-stained face. Her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, and there were dark smudges of makeup under her eyes. "Are the kids okay?"

"Yes, they're fine, that's not..." Ultear trailed off as Gray gently took her arm and led her into the living room. He perched on the edge of the coffee table as she sat down on the couch, not-quite-looking at him. "C'mon, you're scaring me," Gray said softly, taking her hand and squeezing it. The mild panic from before was quickly turning to something closer to terror.

Ultear shook her head, squeezing Gray's hand as she started to cry. Gray's chest ached and he quickly shifted onto the couch next to her, pulling her into a hug as her shoulders started to shake.

When she was finally able to catch her breath, Ultear pulled back from Gray's embrace and wiped her face. She looked away from him, taking a deep breath.

"It's Lyon," she said softly. "He's getting a parole hearing next week."

The words floated in the air between them for a minute, then slammed into Gray's chest. A hundred memories hit him at the same time – his parents' deaths, his uncle murdering Ur, moving to Magnolia, the gang he and Lyon had joined, calling the police, Lyon nearly killing him fourteen years ago.

"He…"

"They called me this morning," Ultear said. "They can't say for sure, but they might let him out on parole."

A dizzy heat washed over Gray and he swallowed a few times, trying to push down his own tears that were threatening to spill. The vague memory of drifting snow and hard, angry eyes flashed through his mind, and suddenly, all Gray wanted was Natsu.

"I th-thought…" Gray whispered, crossing his arms over his stomach, "He… it was longer. It's only been—he's not—there's…"

"I know," Ultear said, sighing and reaching out for Gray. He shook his head, pulling back from her, and she made a sad sound.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, rubbing his arms. He brought his hand up to the scar on his shoulder, closing his eyes and trying to breathe. "I don't… I can't…"

It had taken him so long to be even remotely close to okay – years of nightmares and flashbacks and guilt and anger. He remembered dropping his goodbye letter to Lyon in the mailbox the day he'd proposed to Natsu, and the feeling of relief it had brought him. Then his memories skipped to their wedding, to him and Ultear standing on the beach and Gray wishing that Lyon had been there.

Everything tangled into an uncomfortable mess in his stomach that made him feel like throwing up.

"I set up a meeting with Claire on Friday," Ultear said. "From Victim's Services, remember?" Gray couldn't even nod. Everything was too loud, too much – this was a dream, one of the bad ones. "We're going to have to talk to them and decide what you want to do... he'd be living in Magnolia so his probation officer could keep an eye on him."

_Living in Magnolia._

"I know it's a lot," Ultear said gently. "I'm sorry." Gray didn't say anything, just stared at the hole in the couch that Happy had made years ago. "Do you want me to call Natsu?" Ultear asked.

Gray nodded slowly, still touching his scar through his shirt. The memories were so blurry now – it felt like a lifetime ago that Lyon had hurt him. Anger and frustration mixed with a soft sense of longing, and Gray shook his head to try and separate the feelings. It was too much.

A buzzing on the coffee table interrupted Gray's thoughts and he frowned, realizing Natsu had left his phone there. He picked it up, about to swipe the call to decline it, when he saw a message on the lock screen.

Neelan Dragneel [14:45]_ Do you want to meet?_

* * *

_A/N:I know, I'm sorry, all I can say is that I promise it has a happy ending and they grow old together. Natsu's behavior might seem a bit extreme, but at least for me, when I'm kind of on the edge of mania, everything seems so much worse and thoughts get distorted so out of proportion._

_Lyon getting out on parole is honestly what started up the idea for this sequel - I wanted to explore how an adult Gray would handle the situation now that he's had some time to process what happened._

**French Translations**

Bien sûr je lui fais confiance = Of course I trust him  
Quoi de neuf? = What's up?  
J'ai besoin de te parler = I need to talk to you  
Qu'est-ce qu-il y a? = What's wrong?  
Qu'est-il arrivé? = What happened?


	8. an inevitable confrontation

_TW for references to past self-harm and past suicide attempt_

* * *

Gray sat in the corner of the couch, staring at Natsu's phone on the coffee table and trying to ignore the sick feeling in his stomach. Ultear was gone. She'd left with the promise to call with an update on the meeting with the social worker, and now Gray was alone in the apartment with only his thoughts and a heavy ache in his chest.

Part of him wanted to leave – wanted to go drive around the city, or call Freed to talk, or visit Ryos. Anything but wait here for Natsu and the inevitable confrontation. Gray wanted to cry, but he already felt worn out and exhausted.

Eventually Gray fell asleep on the couch and was woken by a gentle hand on his shoulder. Natsu was sitting next to him and Gray immediately pushed himself up, searching Natsu's face. He looked tired.

"Hey, Snowflake," Natsu said softly. His brow furrowed as he brushed Gray's hair out of his face. "You okay?"

Gray swallowed. The words were nearly out of his mouth – _Lyon's getting out of prison and I don't know what to do. _Instead he looked over at the coffee table where Natsu's phone was sitting next to his. Natsu followed his gaze, and the concern on his face quickly turned to a mix of guilt and anger. Gray felt like he was going to be sick.

"You left your phone at home," Gray said quietly, shifting into the corner of the couch and wrapping his arms around himself. "I was trying to call you."

Natsu didn't say anything, just looked hesitantly between the phone and Gray. He started to pick at his nails and Gray immediately reached out and grabbed his hand.

"Don't do that."

Natsu tensed and Gray thought for a second that he might pull away, but he let Gray take his hand and stared at their entwined fingers.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Gray asked quietly. The words felt heavy. "You lied to me."

Natsu swallowed, pulling his hand away from Gray's and rubbing his face. Gray could feel tears in his eyes he blinked to keep them from falling.

"You were looking through my phone?" Natsu asked eventually, voice rough.

"I didn't mean to," Gray said, shaking his head. "It was just—the notification was there. And you always use my phone to check stupid stuff online, I've—you've never hid anything from me before."

Natsu stood up, running his hands through his hair and pacing away from the couch. Gray could see the tension in his shoulders as he stared at the phone on the table, saying nothing, just chewing his lip.

"Sweetheart, talk to me," Gray begged. "I want to understand."

Part of him wanted to let this go, wanted to forget it all so he could tell Natsu about Lyon, so that Natsu could hold him and tell him that it was going to be okay. But the other part _hurt. _

"What am I supposed to say?" Natsu said, sighing. "Yeah, I—I found him. We've been talking a bit, just texting." He paused. "I didn't wanna tell you, 'cause…

"Why?" Gray asked, watching Natsu pace to the window. "I would have—"

"You would have lectured me," Natsu said, groaning in exasperation. "You wouldn't have been happy for me, you would've just told me everything that could have gone wrong, and I wanted to have this without the…"

Gray leaned back against the couch, feeling like he'd been slapped. "The what?" he demanded, face burning.

"The worrying, and the hovering," Natsu said. He crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the spot on the couch next to Gray. "I heard you," he said quietly. "On the phone earlier, with Freed."

Gray's stomach tightened as he thought back to the conversation. He hadn't realized Natsu was still home. "I didn't—"

"You don't trust me!" Natsu interrupted. "I'm not an idiot."

"I never said you were," Gray insisted. "I care about you; I just don't want you to get hurt. What if he's not safe?"

"You think I haven't thought about that?" Natsu said, leaning back against the wall. "It's not like I'm gonna go to his house or something. Sting said maybe he could come to the garage, it's public, and…"

"You told Sting?" Gray whispered. Natsu trailed off, face falling as he watched Gray's expression. "Wh…" Gray couldn't breathe, and suddenly all the complicated feelings were melting into an anger that he didn't understand. "You lied to me, but you told Sting?"

"It's not like that," Natsu insisted. "He was just—when my dad was texting, I was at work, and Sting was there."

Gray shook his head, pushing himself up from the couch and walking toward the kitchen. When he got to the door he turned around, clenching and unclenching his hands while he tried to calm his breathing.

Everything was falling apart.

"I can't believe you," Gray said, letting out a shaky breath. "I wouldn't have… I'm your husband, I'm supposed to look out for you, and—"

"I don't need a babysitter!" Natsu shouted. Gray flinched at the anger in his voice, and when he looked up, Natsu's cheeks were wet with tears. "Ever since we ran into Wendy you've been treating me like I'm gonna break. You told Freed you were checking my meds even after I told you I was taking them; you keep acting like I'm gonna do something stupid—"

"You _did _do something stupid!" Gray felt a pang of regret as soon as the words left him, but he couldn't stop. "You lied to me, and you've been acting weird, so of course I've been worried. You…"

"I what?" Natsu ground out. "Fuck up? All the goddamn time? Is that it?" Gray's eyes widened and he shook his head, but Natsu wasn't looking at him. "You've been hovering over me like I'm gonna hurt myself, and I don't need it."

"You _have _hurt yourself before!" Gray shouted. "You've tried to kill yourself!"

He rubbed his eyes, trying to push away thoughts of all the times he'd been terrified, when things had gotten bad and Gray had taken time off work, and hidden the sharp things, and told Natsu over and over again that it was going to be okay.

"That was thirteen years ago," Natsu said, voice tight. Gray could hear his shaky breathing and part of him wanted to run over and pull Natsu into his arms. "You always said… I…"

"I'm not going to apologize for being worried about you," Gray said stubbornly, ignoring the part of him that was screaming, _stop, stop before you say something you regret, and you can't take it back. _"I love you, and I don't blame you for the way your brain works. But sometimes it's scary for me."

Gray had never said these things to Natsu – it had always been Freed or Ryos who had talked Gray through his own half of the times Natsu wasn't good. Natsu didn't need to worry about Gray on top of feeling guilty for his illness.

"I know I'm too much," Natsu said quietly.

"That's not it," Gray insisted, wanting so badly to reach out and take Natsu's hands. Something kept him back though – something hard and sharp. "You're not—none of it's your fault, but I get scared."

"I scare you."

"That's not what I _said!" _Gray yelled, grinding his teeth in frustration. Nothing was coming out right, it was all mixed up and warped by anger and fear. "Don't put words into my mouth."

"It's true though, isn't it?" Natsu demanded. "I'm stupid and broken and I scare you, and you don't trust me."

"Natsu, I—"

"That's probably why he left," Natsu whispered, voice breaking. "'cause he didn't wanna deal with a stupid, fucked-up kid. And one day you won't wanna deal with me either."

"Stop it," Gray said. "Don't you _dare _say that. I have _always _been here for you." He looked up at the ceiling, taking a deep breath. "That's not what this is about. You _lied _to me – to my face. I _asked you _and you told me no, and you told Sting instead, so what the hell am I supposed to think? Of course I worry! Of course I think you might be in danger of hurting yourself! It's happened before, it's not like this is some weird paranoia coming out of nowhere!"

Gray's voice got louder with each word, with each fear pouring out of him, and he watched Natsu's cheeks turn red as he rubbed tears from his cheeks. They both stood in silence for a moment, arms crossed as an angry tension filled the room. Disappointment and affection warred inside of Gray, and it hurt to breathe.

"You don't understand," Natsu said eventually, his voice breaking. "You... if you could get your parents back, if you could see your mom again, and I—I have that chance, a chance to get my family back."

Gray stared at Natsu for a moment, heart breaking as he whispered, "I thought I was your family."

Natsu's eyes widened. "Don't you dare," he said, voice low. "That's not fair and you know it. I didn't mean it like that."

"Then what _did _you mean?" Gray demanded. "'cause your dad's never been here for you. I have!" A sob broke out of him and he wiped at his face. "Your dad wasn't there when Don hurt you, or when you tried to kill yourself, or almost died in that fucking fire, or anything else that's happened since you were _eight years old." _

"I know!" Natsu shouted. "You think I don't know that? He fucked up my life, and he wasn't there, but..." He exhaled shakily, rubbing his eyes. "I know you know what that's like, but... he's not like Lyon."

Lyon's name pierced through Gray, hot and sharp. "You don't _know _that," he said, wishing he could stop crying. "What if he is? What if he tries to hurt you? I couldn't..."

"You can't put your trauma onto this," Natsu said quietly. "That's not fair."

The words hung between them as the fear and confusion from Ultear's news bubbled up inside Gray. Something inside him snapped and suddenly the words were pouring out of him.

"It's not fair? Seriously? You know what's not fair? I had to pick up the goddamn pieces he left behind. You wanna talk about trauma? Fine, let's talk about your trauma."

"Pieces?" Natsu's jaw was tight and he ran a hand over his face. "That's how you feel, huh? I'm just a fucking… a broken thing for you to put back together? Didn't realize I was so much work for you."

"It—not you, you're not, but it IS a lot!" Gray couldn't stop himself now, and he backed up until he was pressed against the wall. "It's really fucking hard for me. And sometimes—fuck, I get so scared, and I want to keep you safe, and—"

"I don't WANT you to keep me safe!" Natsu yelled. "I'm not a child! I'm thirty fucking years old, and if I wanna talk to my dad, I can talk to my dad. You can't tell me what to do!"

"I'm—I'm not, that's..." Gray swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. "You're not listening to me. I don't want to stop you, that's not—I just want you to be safe."

"I AM safe! Jesus Christ, he's not a serial killer, he's just some guy who didn't want his kid, and I don't know why, but I'm getting a second chance at it. And all you're doing is holding me back from that."

"Why does it make you so angry that I care about you?"

"Because I don't need your hel—"

"Yes, you DO!" Gray shouted. He was sure the neighbors could hear them by now. "You do need me, do you even—so many times, I've come home, and you've been on the edge, and I've held us together."

"What, do you want an award for that?" Natsu demanded. "We're supposed to take care of each other! That's what we promised to do!" He held up his hand and pointed to his wedding ring. "Didn't you say _always? _Wasn't that what you told me? Or did you mean _only when it's not too much?" _Natsu's eyes held so much hurt. "'cause I'm never gonna not be like this. This is _who I am, _and you chose to marry me, and if you can't handle it then…"

"I didn't say I couldn't handle it," Gray whispered, shaking his head. "And I did mean 'always.' Name a single fucking time I haven't been here for you. In fourteen years, have I _ever _let you down? Have I ever not left work, not come home from a conference, not dropped _everything _to come be with you?"

Natsu didn't answer, covering his mouth and pacing away from Gray. He stood by the window and Gray took several shaky breaths, trying to calm his pounding heart.

"You _lied _to me," Gray said, looking back over at Natsu's phone. "I've only ever wanted you to be happy, and if you had just _told _me, we could have figured it out together. I can't… I've never lied to you."

"Yes, you have," Natsu said, voice soft. "You've never told me all these things. You've never said any of this shit, not once, and now I just—I'm thinking back to every time I called you when things were bad, and wondering if you were thinking, 'here we go again, better get back to my broken husband who can't function without me.'"

"You're not broken."

"You literally _just said I was," _Natsu said, turning around and glaring at Gray. "You called me 'broken pieces.'"

"You're twisting what I said," Gray insisted.

"No, I'm not," Natsu said. "And we've both got shit, but you're acting like I'm just this… this suicidal, self-destructive, stupid—"

"You're not stupid," Gray interrupted.

"Well I sure as hell feel like it!" Natsu's voice broke and he swiped at the tears on his face. "'cause all I've been doing is fucking shit up. I can't do anything right, I just—everything's wrong, and I just—"

"Stop doing that," Gray said, shaking his head. "You can't just pull the self-pity card any time you don't want to face your mistakes."

Natsu glared at him.

"You screwed up," Gray said, gesturing to Natsu's phone. "This isn't about trauma or being broken. This is about you hurting me, and you can't just say those things and get out of it because you want me to feel sorry for you. I'm not mad that you're talking to your dad, I'm mad that you lied to me about it."

Natsu's shoulders dropped and he stepped toward the couch, sinking down onto it and putting his head in his hands. An angry silence hung between them and Gray tipped his head back against the wall, breathing shakily.

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want this," Natsu said quietly, gesturing between them. "I didn't want to fight, and I knew that you would be against it, and I didn't want you to assume that he's just like Lyon."

At Lyon's name, the anger rushed out of Gray, replaced by a wave of grief and confusion.

"Fuck, I can't do this," he whispered, then pushed himself off the wall and walked away.

* * *

As soon as Gray closed their bedroom door he sunk to the floor, crossing his arms over his knees and burying his face in his sleeve as he cried. He tried to hold it in at first, but it was too much. Loud, pained sobs shook through him and he pulled in on himself, trying to breathe through the suffocating grief in his chest.

He barely heard the soft rap on the door, and he managed a shaky, "leave me alone," before burying his face back in his sleeve. Part of him had been listening for the front door, terrified that Natsu would take his anger and leave.

"I'm sorry." Natsu's voice was gentle and full of regret. "I can't listen to you cry and do nothing, Snowflake. Please let me come in."

Gray didn't answer as the door slid open, and then there was a gentle hand on Gray's arm and fingers in his hair. He shook his head and pulled in on himself as tightly as he could. It was too much.

"Gray." Natsu brushed Gray's hair off his forehead and tucked it behind his ear. He never called Gray by his name. "C'mon, baby, look at me."

"No," Gray sobbed, trying to pull away. "I c-can't, p-please, it's—"

"I'm sorry," Natsu said, kneeling down in front of Gray and running his hands up Gray's arms. "I'm so sorry and I love you, and I wanna talk about all these things without yelling, okay?"

Gray lifted his head up and peeked at Natsu, whose eyes were red and cheeks were wet with tears.

"C'mere," Natsu said gently, standing up and tugging at Gray's hand. "C'mon, come sit on the bed with me. Please?"

Gray wanted to pull away, but everything was slowly melting, leaving only weary tears behind. He let Natsu help him up, then curled up on the bed with his arms tucked against his chest. Natsu lay down facing him and kept running his fingers through Gray's hair.

"I'm so sorry," Natsu whispered. "I shouldn't have… fuck, I'm so mixed up right now, and I'm sad and tired and I'm so, so sorry."

Gray reached out his hand between them and Natsu took it tentatively, brushing his thumb over Gray's knuckles.

"Lyon's getting a parole hearing next week," Gray whispered.

Natsu froze, then made a soft, sad sound and pulled Gray into his arms.

"Fuck," he whispered. "Gray, I'm so sorry. I'm such an asshole."

Gray didn't say anything, just pressed himself closer to Natsu and closed his eyes. Even through the hurt and anger, this was his safe place.

"I don't know how to feel," he whispered.

"That's okay," Natsu replied, stroking Gray's hair and kissing his forehead. "It's okay, you can feel whatever you need to feel." His voice shook and he held Gray tighter. "We can do this. Anything together, right?" He pulled back and wiped Gray's cheeks, ignoring his own tears. "I'm sorry I said all those things, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my dad. I love you and I'm here for you, okay?"

Gray nodded, trying to hold in the sobs that were trying to escape, but eventually they broke through and he pressed his forehead to Natsu's chest, shaking as he cried.

"I need you," he managed through the tears. "Please don't leave."

Natsu's arms tightened around him. "Never," he whispered. "I've got you. We can figure it out, okay? I'm so, so sorry and I love you so much."

"I love you, too," Gray whispered, letting himself cry while Natsu held him through the pain.

* * *

_A/N: This was really intense and hard for me to write, so please be gentle with your comments. 3 I struggle with a lot of the same things as Natsu, and my partner and I have had lots of conversations just like this one. It's so hard to accept help and to admit that you need other people._


	9. apologies and regrets

_TW for brief mention of suicide attempt and child abuse_

* * *

Gray woke up alone. A thin ray of morning sunlight spilled through the window, and Happy was curled up next to him, purring contentedly. It took Gray a second to realize that he was still dressed in yesterday's clothes.

"Hey, you," he said to Happy, voice hoarse as he pushed himself up and ran his fingers through his hair. His eyes were swollen from crying, and when he rubbed his face, his skin felt tight and uncomfortable.

A clattering sound from the kitchen filled Gray with a sense of relief – Natsu was still here. Gray stretched, then stood up and took a deep breath before heading out into the living room.

Natsu stood in the kitchen, staring dully at a spot on the counter. The only sound in the apartment was the soft hiss of the coffee machine and the quiet hum of the washing machine from down the hallway.

"Hey," Gray said, moving closer to Natsu and reaching out for him hesitantly. Natsu looked up at Gray with red eyes, giving him a soft smile before pulling him into an embrace. The tension in Gray's body slowly melted away as he let himself relax in Natsu's arms.

"You hungry?" Natsu asked, nodding at the fridge. "I can make pancakes."

Gray shook his head. "My stomach hurts," he mumbled into Natsu's shoulder.

"Mine too," Natsu said, kissing Gray's temple. "C'mon, let's go sit down."

Gray grabbed both cups of coffee and followed Natsu into the living room where they both curled up on the couch. Natsu yawned, rubbing his face and then pulling his sleeves down over his hands.

"That's my sweater," Gray said, sipping his coffee.

"Mm." Natsu picked at a loose thread in the blanket. "I just..."

Guilt welled up in Gray's chest and he set his coffee down on the table, then took Natsu's hand. "I'm sorry," he said. "I shouldn't have said those things. I didn't mean them."

"You did," Natsu said, shaking his head. "It's okay," Natsu reassured Gray quickly, squeezing his hand. "I was the one who was an ass. I shouldn't have lied to you about my dad; I don't know what the hell I was thinking." He swallowed, keeping his gaze on their joined hands. "I didn't plan on talking to him, I wasn't lying about that, I promise."

Gray shifted closer, pushing the blanket out of the way and wrapping his arm around Natsu. Natsu sighed, tipping his head against Gray's and running his thumb over Gray's knuckles.

"I just kept thinking about him. And you kept saying he could be dangerous, and it just... it made me feel stupid. I know you're just looking out for me – I _know _that, but sometimes I just feel like this—like all I do is make mistakes, and hold you back, and you're stuck taking care of me."

"Natsu," Gray said gently, pulling him closer.

"And you saying that it's true, that I am too much sometimes—"

"That's not—"

"Sorry, no, that's not what I meant." Natsu shook his head. "I just mean... you're allowed to be overwhelmed, that's not your fault."

"It's not your fault either."

"I know that. But it's still a lot for you. I just... I'm so, so scared that one day you're gonna get sick of dealing with me. That everyone is. Like everyone has this invisible counter and I use up chances with them every time I fuck up, and when that counter runs out, they're going to leave."

"I'm never going to leave you," Gray insisted.

Natsu swallowed, squeezing Gray's hand. "Please don't take this the wrong way," he said softly, "but I don't know if I'll ever really be able to believe that."

A pang of hurt twisted in Gray's chest. "Natsu, I—"

"It's not you," Natsu said quickly. "But so many people have left me. Not just my dad, but everyone who was supposed to be there for me. And every time I got moved or sent somewhere else, they told me I was too much. Too much work, too much trouble, too much to deal with."

"Oh, sweetheart," Gray murmured, kissing the top of Natsu's head.

"It's why I stayed with Don," Natsu said, running his fingers across the ring of circular scars across his right wrist. A flash of anger sparked through Gray as he recalled Natsu talking to his old social worker, telling her about how his foster father had held his arm down and burned him with the end of his cigarette as punishment for coming home late. "I was just tired of moving," Natsu said softly. "I was tired of being too much. And then…" His gaze moved to his left arm, where the scars from the fire covered the one that had remained after he'd tried to take his life.

"I know," Gray said, trying not to think of that terrifying day. "And I'm so sorry I brought that up – it wasn't fair."

"No, it's okay," Natsu said. "I think about it sometimes. How scared you must have been, finding me like that, and then you just… you took me in, let me stay, and you _loved _me, and…" His voice wavered and he touched his wedding band. "I'd never felt like that before. Being loved like that, I mean. You were the first person to tell me that you loved me since my dad."

Gray wrapped both arms around Natsu and held him as tight as possible, fighting against the tears that were threatening to resurface again. "I do love you," he whispered. "So, so much, and I'm never going to stop. I know it's hard for you to believe, but there's nothing you could do to drive me away. You're the most important person in my life and I would be so lost without you."

* * *

Natsu sniffed, turning in Gray's arms and pressing his face to Gray's shoulder. He always felt safe here, felt loved and needed. The doubt only surfaced when they were apart; when Natsu was alone with his thoughts and his brain kept whispering: _nobody needs you, nobody loves you, they're all just tolerating you, one day they're all going to leave. _

"You saved my life, too," Gray said, kissing Natsu's forehead. The tiny gesture flooded through Natsu and he squeezed his eyes shut against the tears that welled up inside him. "All the good things I have are because of you, and I wouldn't trade that for anything."

Natsu took a shaky breath. "Really?"

"Really," Gray said, running a hand up and down his arm. "I don't think you're broken, _mon couer. _You're not damaged, or too much, and I wouldn't love you more if you weren't bipolar."

Natsu couldn't help the choked sob that broke out of him as relief started to push away the doubt. Gray made a soft, soothing sound and ran his fingers through Natsu's hair, resting his cheek on the top of Natsu's head.

"It's not your fault," Gray said again, "and I'm sorry I made you feel that way."

Natsu curled closer against Gray, rubbing at his face with his hoodie sleeve. The skin around his eyes ached from yesterday's tears.

"I do feel overwhelmed sometimes," Gray said. "Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, or if I could be… better, or more supportive. It's scary and frustrating to see you hurting, but I know you can't change it. And I didn't mean to keep any of that from you, I just felt like… you didn't need to deal with that on top of how you were feeling. I know you're scared I'm going to leave, and I didn't want to make that worse."

Shame and regret crept into Natsu's cheeks as he thought about the angry words he'd shouted the night before. "I feel so stupid," he said. "I hate being sick. I hate not knowing if my feelings are real, or just dumb chemicals in my brain not working the way they should. I hate that you get scared, I hate that I feel so fucking out of control sometimes."

"I know," Gray murmured. "And I'm sure me asking about your meds doesn't help."

Natsu thought about the pill container next to the stove, about the tiny pang of shame that ran through him some days when he swallowed them down. "It doesn't," he admitted, "but I get why you ask. I have been taking them, I promise, but… I dunno, maybe I need to see my psychiatrist again." He groaned in frustration.

"That might not be a bad idea," Gray said gently. "But I think this is more than just meds. The stuff with your dad, I mean."

Natsu sighed. "Yeah," he said. Then he reached down and pulled his phone from the pocket of his sweatpants, turning it on and opening the conversation with Neelan. The last message sat there like an accusation.

_Do you want to meet? _

He scrolled up until he found the picture he was looking for, then passed the phone to Gray. "That's my mom," he said quietly. "I'd never seen a picture of her before."

Gray stared at the photo for a moment as he ran his thumb across Natsu's shoulder. "She looks just like you," he said eventually. "Can I look at the rest of them?"

Natsu nodded, watching as Gray slowly flipped through the other photos. He paused on the one of Neelan holding Natsu in the hospital.

"He loved me," Natsu said softly as he stared at the picture. "And he seems so… normal. He keeps apologizing for leaving, but he still hasn't said why, and I don't know how to ask."

Gray made a sympathetic noise, closing the photos and scrolling up through the messages. "Do you want to meet him?" he asked.

"I think so," Natsu said. He braced himself for Gray to disagree, but Gray didn't say anything. "Is that… okay?"

Gray set the phone down on the couch and moved to face Natsu, taking both of his hands and squeezing them. "It's not my decision," he said. "I don't want to tell you what to do. I'm scared of what might happen, and you're right, that's on me and my trauma. I just want to be a part whatever you do. If you want to meet him, I'll be here for you, okay?"

"Okay," Natsu said, cheeks burning with shame. "I'm so sorry I lied to you."

"I forgive you," Gray said, bringing Natsu's hands up and kissing them. "And I'm sorry for making you feel like I didn't trust you."

Natsu leaned in and pressed his forehead to Gray's. "You'd think we'd know better after thirteen years," he said, and was relieved when a small smile crept across Gray's face.

"It's because we're both stubborn assholes," Gray said. "I hate fighting."

"Me too." Natsu let go of one of Gray's hands and touched his cheek, then leaned in slowly, sighing in relief when Gray tentatively kissed him. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

Natsu kissed Gray again, then pulled back and brushed a few stray hairs out of his face. "Do you want to talk about Lyon?" he asked. Guilt still rested heavily in his chest at the thought of Gray, curled up against their bedroom wall and crying harder than he had in a long, long time.

"Not right now." Gray picked at a hole in his sweatpants. "Can we shower? I feel gross."

"Same," Natsu said, pushing himself up off the couch and helping Gray up too. "Why don't I text Sting and see if I can take the afternoon off; I don't have any big jobs right now. Maybe we can go down to the beach, or go have lunch with Sylvie?"

Gray nodded, stepping forward and pulling Natsu into a tight hug. "That sounds nice." He pressed his forehead to Natsu's shoulder and yawned. "Can we take a nap first? I'm so tired."

"Of course," Natsu said, kissing Gray's cheek and holding him close. "Whatever you need."

* * *

"I can't believe you didn't tell him."

Sting's voice was quiet, but Natsu could hear the frustration in it, even over the phone.

"I know," Natsu said softly, glancing back at the bedroom where Gray was still sleeping. "I feel really shitty and stupid. We spent all morning talking about it, and we're both exhausted."

Sting made a quiet sound of sympathy. "It's not busy here, don't worry about coming in. Just..." He sighed. "You lied to me, too."

Natsu groaned and slumped back against the couch. "I know. I'm sorry."

"We all do dumb shit," Sting said, voice softening. "I'm glad you talked to him, though. He's just worried about you – that's what husbands are supposed to do. Ryos drives me crazy when he gets on my case about my meds, too. But he's not doing it because he doesn't trust me, he's doing it because the last time I had a seizure, I ended up with sixteen stitches and scared the shit out of Noah."

Natsu nodded, remembering Sting falling from the ladder at work and the awful cracking sound when his head had hit the concrete floor of the shop.

"You're right," he said.

"Of course I am," Sting said, and Natsu was relieved to hear the disappointment in his voice turning to gentle teasing. "Now go do something nice with your husband and I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

Gray didn't talk about Lyon until later that evening, when they were sitting on the beach near the pier and watching the sunset. Soft, pink light spilled across the waves, rippling as the tide washed through the sand and dragged it back out to sea.

"I miss him, sometimes," Gray said. He was sitting between Natsu's legs, back against his chest with Natsu's arms wrapped around him.

"Lyon?"

"Mm." Gray kicked off his flip-flops and dug his feet into the sand. "When Ultear said he was having this hearing, the first thing I felt was scared. But..." He trailed off, looking down at the bracelet around his wrist. Lyon had given it to him years ago, before their mom had died. "I don't know if I'm angry or relieved," Gray admitted after a minute. "Or both."

"Would you want to see him? If he gets out on parole?"

Gray looked back out at the ocean and sighed. "I don't know. Maybe? Is that weird?"

"I don't think so. He's your brother."

"But he hurt me," Gray said quietly. He reached up and touched his shoulder where the skin was white and scarred. "Why would I want to see him?"

"Because he loves you," Natsu said. "And I know you love him." Natsu kissed the top of Gray's head, then took both hands in his, slipping their fingers together. "Your relationship with him is more than just the bad shit that happened. You have years of good memories with him before that, right?"

Gray shrugged. "I guess. I just... there was some part of me that thought he was gone forever, y'know? And I know parole is a thing, and he's been there for a long time already, I had just kind of resigned myself to never seeing him again."

"I know."

The sun finally dipped below the horizon, leaving them in a soft darkness. Gray closed his eyes, tipping his head back against Natsu's shoulder and cuddling closer to him.

"Ultear said I could write a Victim Impact Statement," he said after a while. "For the hearing." Natsu nodded. He had written one for Don's trial, but his social worker, Richelle, had been the one to read it in court. "I did the first time," Gray added. "When Lyon was sentenced. I didn't go, Ultear read it for me. I don't even remember what it said." He sighed, keeping his eyes closed. "I just feel a whole bunch of different things and I hate all of them."

Natsu pulled Gray closer and squeezed his hands. "You said you have an appointment with Victim Services on Friday?" he asked. Gray nodded. "What about going to see your therapist?"

Gray groaned. "I don't want to," he grumbled. "I hate therapy."

"I know, Snowflake." Natsu kissed his cheek. "Actually, I was thinking... what if we went to therapy together?" Gray opened his eyes and frowned at Natsu. "Don't pout," Natsu teased.

"'m not pouting," Gray insisted. Natsu laughed and kissed his nose.

"You are a bit."

Gray huffed, shuffling further back against Natsu.

"Freed and Laxus go to therapy together," Natsu said after a minute. Gray raised an eyebrow. "Laxus was telling me about it the last time we were over there. Just 'cause of all the shit with his dad, and stress and stuff. And Sting and Ryos go too, with Noah and without him. It's not a bad thing."

"I know," Gray said, wishing that the idea of talking about his feelings with a stranger didn't make him feel like throwing up. "You're probably right."

"You know I am." Natsu shifted in the sand and moved his arms down around Gray's waist. "I wish everything were easier," he said, resting his chin on Gray's shoulder. "I feel like a mess."

"You are a mess," Gray teased. "That's why I love you. We're both disasters and we always have been."

Natsu laughed, nipping playfully at Gray's ear. Gray elbowed him half-heartedly and he made an exaggerated sound of protest before kissing behind Gray's ear instead. "We're gonna be okay, right?" he asked, breath tickling Gray's neck.

"Yeah," Gray said, tipping his head to the side and catching Natsu's lips in a soft kiss. "We'll be okay. I promise."


	10. building bridges

[July 26]

Neelan Langdree [14:45] _Do you want to meet? _

[July 28]

Natsu Dubois-Tremblay [18:54] _Yeah. __Does this weekend work for you? _

Neelan Langdree [18:57] _Sure._

* * *

"Hey, buddy."

Natsu crouched down a few feet away from the tree in the back yard of Sting and Ryos' house. Noah sat there, knees pulled up to his chest, gaze vacant as he stared across the lawn. When he saw Natsu, his face brightened a little, but he didn't uncurl from his position.

"Your dad said you're having a rough day," Natsu said gently. "Can I come sit with you? Or do you wanna be by yourself?"

Noah considered the question, eventually nodding and pointing to a spot a little way away from him. Natsu settled down with his legs crossed, then held out a cookie for Noah.

"I stole it from the pantry," Natsu whispered conspiratorially. "Don't tell Dad."

A tiny smile crossed Noah's face and he reached out, taking the cookie and then withdrawing to the tree again. He nibbled on it slowly, staring at Natsu the whole time. Natsu didn't say anything else, just lay down in the grass with his arms behind his head and closed his eyes, letting the sun play across his face.

Nearly half an hour later, he felt a weight on his arm, and when he opened his eyes, Noah was curled up next to him. Natsu smiled, shifting so that Noah could lean on his chest.

"Story?" Noah asked, looking at Natsu. His eyes were the same bright, clear blue as Sting's, and sometimes it was hard to believe that he was adopted.

"What kind of story?" Natsu asked. The sun had moved now and was casting dappled shadows through the tree. A ladybug made its way across Natsu's chest, and Noah stared at it in fascination until it flew away. The only sound around them was the fountain bubbling, and someone mowing their lawn several houses away.

"Mm." Noah shrugged, and Natsu raised an eyebrow at him.

"How about... 'once upon a time there was a little boy named Noah who was kind of a turd but apologized to his dad for throwing his iPad?'"

Noah scowled at Natsu, sitting up and gently shoving him in the chest. Natsu laughed at the indignant expression on the five-year-old's face.

"Pretty bad story, hey?"

"Bad," Noah agreed. "Is ... th-the..." He huffed in frustration. When Noah was calm, speaking in simple sentences was easy for him, but as soon as he got upset, the words got lost.

Natsu sat up slowly, crossing his legs and tapping the back of Noah's hand. "Show me with your hands," he said. "I can't read your mind, little man. I'm not Professor X."

A small smile tugged at the corner of Noah's mouth. Freed's suggestion of teaching Noah to sign had made a huge impact on his communication. One of the people Freed worked with at the Pride Centre was Deaf and had started coming to the house once a week to teach everyone – Gray and Natsu included.

"Can you give me a feeling word?" Natsu asked. "Do you want to show me the picture or can you sign it?" He had an app on his phone with different pictures of expressions that Noah used occasionally, but today he shook his head.

_Sad, _Noah signed. He looked like he might elaborate, then shrugged.

"Yeah?" Natsu sighed, digging his fingers into the grass and looking up at the sky again. "Me too."

Noah looked at him, surprised. "Why?"

Natsu didn't say anything for a minute, trying to figure out how much to share with Noah. He was smarter than most people gave him credit for, and if Natsu made something up, Noah would see through it.

"I'm gonna see my dad soon," Natsu said eventually. "I haven't seen him in a really long time."

Noah scooted closer to Natsu until their knees were touching. "Why's sad?" he asked. Natsu tipped his head back and forth, then sighed.

"I'm scared," he said eventually. "I know he's my dad, but I don't really know him. And I'm afraid that he might not like me."

"I like you," Noah said. He picked a dandelion and leaned forward to tuck it into Natsu's hair.

"I like you too, bud," Natsu said, smiling as Noah sat back and started picking more dandelions.

Noah spent the next few minutes piling up the yellow flowers in Natsu's lap, then picking out the best ones and putting them in Natsu's hair. Eventually he seemed satisfied and poked at Natsu's hands.

_Sad and angry because K, _he signed. Natsu recognized it as his sign for Kylie, his biological mother._ Tomorrow. _

"You don't wanna visit her?" Natsu asked gently. Noah shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

Noah huffed, then looked back over at the house. _Stay with dad and papa, _he said. _And you. Not before. _

'Before' was a complicated word for Noah. He had trouble differentiating between seeing Kylie now and living with her when he was younger, and he refused to call her 'mom.' It had been over a month since he'd called Natsu in the middle of the night, upset about seeing her for the first time in two years, and Sting and Ryos were still uncertain about them interacting. They'd tentatively agreed to let her spend the afternoon with him tomorrow – supervised by both Sting and the social worker.

"She don't, won't... won't, um..." Noah scrunched up his face, then signed, _don't know. Don't want before. _Natsu's heart ached at the uncomfortable expression on Noah's face. _Frustrated, _Noah added.

"That's a good word," Natsu said, smiling at Noah. "Sounds like you've got a of feelings, huh?" Noah nodded sullenly. "It's okay, my feelings get mixed-up sometimes too, and we can't control that. You can feel however you wanna feel." Noah looked up at Natsu hesitantly. "What you _can't _do," Natsu added, "is throw your iPad at your dad."

Noah sighed, looking over at the house.

"I know you're trying, buddy," Natsu said gently. "I know words are hard, and that sucks. But your dads love you a lot and they just want you to be happy." He tugged on a loose thread of his jeans, then added, "Grown-ups make mistakes too. I yelled at Uncle Gray last week."

Noah's eyes widened as he stared at Natsu. "Why?"

Natsu chewed on his lip, trying to figure out the best way to explain it to Noah. "Because I was scared," he said eventually. "I made a mistake – I didn't tell Uncle Gray something that I should have, and it hurt his feelings."

"Lied?"

Natsu winced, then nodded. "Yeah, bud."

"Not good." Noah reached out and took Natsu's hand, holding it loosely between his.

"I know," Natsu said. Guilt still sat heavy in his chest every time he looked at Gray. "I shouldn't have lied, and I shouldn't have yelled – that just made it worse."

"Uncle Gray is sad?" Noah asked quietly.

"Yeah," Natsu said softly, "he was."

"You said sorry?"

Natsu nodded. "I did, lots of times." He squeezed Noah's hand. "Do you think you can come inside with me now and say sorry to dad?"

Noah chewed his lip for a minute, then nodded and stood up with Natsu.

"Flowers stay," he said, grinning at the mess in Natsu's hair. "It's pretty."

"I'm keeping these in forever," Natsu replied, taking Noah's hand and leading him back to the house.

Sting was in the kitchen over the stove, but as soon as they came in the back door, he made his way over and crouched down in front of Noah.

_Sorry, _Noah signed, looking at Sting dejectedly.

"It's okay, bumblebee," Sting said, brushing Noah's hair out of his face and looking up at Natsu gratefully. "We're gonna use words or signs or pictures next time, right?"

Noah nodded, then pointed to the fridge where a picture of Kylie was held up with a magnet shaped like a duck. He shook his head and made an angry face.

Sting sighed, kissing Noah's forehead and nodding. "Okay, you don't have to go," he said gently.

Noah's face brightened and he gave Sting a small smile. "Love dad," he said, wrapping his arms around Sting's neck. Sting pressed his face into Noah's hair, hugging him tightly before Noah let go and darted away to his room.

"Thank you," Sting said, pushing himself up and reaching out to squeeze Natsu's hand. "I can usually handle it, but with Ryos gone, it's just..."

"Anytime," Natsu said, shaking his head and ushering Sting back toward the kitchen. "Kids are tough without all the extra stuff."

Sting nodded, grabbing the pasta from the stove and pouring it through the strainer in the sink. "Sometimes it feels like all we do is go to appointments," he said, looking at the calendar on the fridge. "We had the speech pathologist yesterday, and Kylie tomorrow, and then Aspen's coming for the signing on Sunday..."

"About that," Natsu said, moving out of the way for Sting to mix the spaghetti back into the sauce on the stove. "Gray and I can't make it this week." Sting looked at Natsu with a raised eyebrow, and Natsu hesitated before saying, "I'm meeting my dad."

Sting didn't say anything for a minute – Natsu knew that Sting was still upset about being complicit in Natsu's lie to Gray. A familiar ache was nestled next to the guilt Natsu felt, a quiet whisper of, _all you ever do is hurt the people you love. _

"Is Gray going with you?" Sting asked eventually.

Natsu nodded. "Yeah. We're going to Victoria – we'll stay for a couple days. I…" He sighed, rubbing his face. "I feel like shit about all of it, and I know I said I was sorry before, but I just… and now I'm scared, and it feels like an excuse but I'm—I haven't been feeling good, and Gray knew but I didn't listen to him, and…"

"Hey." Sting set the pot down in the sink and reached out for Natsu, pulling him close. "It's okay."

"It's not," Natsu argued, but he leaned into the embrace anyway. "I'm not trying to make excuses, I just…" He bit the inside of his cheek, trying not to cry. "I'm scared."

"Of meeting your dad?" Sting pulled back, squeezing Natsu's arm and leaning against the counter.

"Yeah. I…" He sighed. "I want to know why he left."

Sting and Ryos knew about Natsu's past and his parents – part of the reason that they'd decided to foster and adopt Noah was because of how similar his situation had been to Natsu's childhood.

Sting was quiet for a moment, and Natsu kept his gaze on a mark in the hardwood.

"I know I might not get the answers I want," he said quietly. "Gray and I already talked about it. I just… now that I know he's alive, and he's just—I've been to Victoria so many times. I could have walked past him and…"

"It's a lot," Sting said gently. "I'm glad you told Gray and that he's coming with you."

"Me too," Natsu mumbled, rubbing his face. An uncertain silence hung between them for a moment.

"C'mon," Sting said eventually, nudging Natsu's arm and handing him a stack of plates. "Help me set the table."

* * *

The doorbell rang ten minutes later, and Natsu could hear the pounding of Noah's feet on the stairs as he ran to answer it. When he giggled and shouted Gray's name, the anxiety that had started to thrum through Natsu subsided a bit. Even with everything – the fight, the tears, the uncertainty about Lyon – Gray was Natsu's favorite person, and he always felt like home.

"Hey, you," Natsu said as Noah dragged Gray into the kitchen by his hand. Noah pulled Gray right up to Natsu, then put both hands on his hips and gave Natsu a serious look.

"Sorry," he said.

Natsu frowned. "Why are you sorry?"

Noah rolled his eyes, pushing at Natsu's legs. "You sorry," he clarified.

It took Natsu a second to realize what he was talking about, and he burst out laughing, looking up at Gray and reaching out for his hand.

"We talked about apologies earlier," he explained.

"Sorry," Noah said again, looking up at Gray. He tapped his arm, a mirror of where Gray's snowflake tattoos were, as his sign for 'Uncle Gray.' "Sad," he said to Natsu. "No yelling. Sorry."

Gray's expression softened and he crouched down, holding his arms out and waiting. Noah looked at him for a second, then leaned in for a quick hug.

"I already forgave Uncle Natsu," he said gently. "And he forgave me, too."

"You yelled too?"

Gray sighed. "Yeah." He gave Noah a fond look. "We were both wrong, and we both said sorry, and everything is okay now."

Noah thought about it for a second. "Grown ups mistake," he said seriously, then leaned in and kissed Gray's cheek before running off to the patio table on the back deck.

"Well, then," Gray said, laughing as Natsu reached down and helped him to his feet. "Sounds like whatever you said to him stuck."

"Mm." Natsu pulled Gray close, pressing his face into the crook of Gray's neck as Gray kissed his temple. "How was your meeting with Claire?"

Gray sighed, wrapping his arms around Natsu's shoulders and resting his chin on Natsu's head. "I dunno," he said. "The hearing is in two weeks."

"That soon?"

"Yeah." Gray ran his fingers up Natsu's back, tracing an absent pattern up his spine.

Natsu sighed at the sensation, then tipped his head back and searched Gray's face. The tightness in his jaw and the way he didn't meet Natsu's eyes was telling. "You okay, Snowflake?"

Gray shook his head and Natsu made a sad sound as he saw tears start to pool in the corner of Gray's eyes. "No," Gray said roughly as he swallowed and tipped his head up, trying to blink away the tears. "I'm just… feeling a lot of different things, and my stomach hurts, and I feel like I'm going either throw up or cry."

Natsu gently tucked Gray's hair behind his ear. "You wanna go home?" he asked softly. "I can explain to Noah."

Gray shook his head. "No, I wanna stay," he insisted, pulling off his glasses and wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. "I don't want to think about it right now."

"Okay," Natsu said, leaning in and kissing Gray's cheek. _"Je t'aime." _

_"Je t'aime aussi, mon couer," _Gray murmured, letting out a shaky sigh and then giving Natsu an uncertain smile. "C'mon," he said, nodding toward the porch. "Noah's waiting."


	11. a reason why

"Stop chewing your nails."

Gray reached out and grabbed Natsu's hand, lacing their fingers together and squeezing. Natsu sighed, tipping his head back against the window of the ferry and staring out at the ocean. His leg bounced up and down as he shifted in his seat and Gray reached out his other hand to rub his thumb across Natsu's knee.

"Breathe," he said softly. "It's okay."

"I can't help it," Natsu said, squeezing his eyes shut and exhaling sharply. "I feel like I'm gonna throw up."

Gray let go of Natsu's hand and wrapped an arm around him instead, pulling him close and kissing his temple. "Did he text you?" he asked.

Natsu nodded, looking down at where his phone was balanced on his thigh. "Yeah, he's gonna be there." His voice was soft, and the uncertain look on his face made Gray's chest ache. Gray was tempted to reassure him, to tell him that they didn't have to do this now, that if Natsu wasn't ready they could take the next ferry right back home and try again later.

Instead he pulled Natsu close and asked, "What can I do?"

Natsu shook his head, moving his phone to his pocket and turning in the seat until his head was tucked under Gray's chin. "Just…" He trailed off. Gray looked down to see him playing with his wedding ring. "Don't leave."

"I won't," Gray reassured him. "I promise."

* * *

Natsu didn't talk much for the rest of the trip. Gray eventually convinced him to walk around the ferry and stop at the gift shop, even though it was stuff they'd seen a hundred times. He spent the drive from the ferry into the city curled up against the door, holding Gray's hand tightly and staring out the window. His mind jumped from memory to memory, getting more and more tangled until he was sure he was going to be sick.

"We're here," Gray said gently, nudging Natsu out of his thoughts.

Natsu blinked and looked out the window. "Already?" He chewed his bottom lip, staring out at the harbor in front of them. Ships bobbed gently in the waves as people milled about the market, everything warm under the summer sun.

"Where did he say—" Gray stopped, squeezing Natsu's hand. "I think that's him."

Natsu immediately shut his eyes, fighting back against the twisting in his chest and stomach that threatened to tear him apart. "I don't know if I can do this," he whispered. "I can't—what if he…"

"It's okay," Gray murmured, running his thumb across Natsu's hand. "He hasn't seen us yet; you can take your time."

Natsu took a few more deep breaths, trying to calm the way his heart slammed against the inside of his chest. Then he slowly opened his eyes and followed Gray's gaze down to a bench near the water.

It was his dad.

Natsu could tell Gray was saying something to him, but it was muffled, like Natsu was underwater. Natsu let go of Gray's hand and unbuckled his seatbelt, and before he could stop himself, he was out of the car and running down the steps to the harbor. People crowded around and he pushed through, not even able to apologize as he kept his gaze trained on the bench where his father sat.

As soon as he approached, Neelan looked up, and Natsu froze, hands held awkwardly by his side. "Dad?"

"Natsu," Neelan breathed, pushing himself up from the bench and taking a hesitant step forward. His hand hovered uncertainly in the air between them as his eyes searched Natsu's face. "You…"

Natsu covered the last few feet between them and wrapped his arms around his dad, pressing his face to Neelan's shoulder. "Dad," he whispered again as Neelan returned the embrace, holding Natsu tightly and resting his cheek on Natsu's head. He smelled like smoke and aftershave.

"I can't believe it's you," Neelan said, voice thick as he pressed his face against Natsu's hair.

Natsu laughed wetly, pulling back and rubbing his face as he realized he was crying. "Yeah it's—" He swallowed, fingers still tight in the fabric of his dad's jacket, half convinced that this was another dream where he'd wake up feeling lost and abandoned all over again.

"I can't believe you're…" Neelan touched Natsu's cheek hesitantly, and it took Natsu a minute to realize that his eyes were tracing the shape of the scar across his cheek. "I thought I'd never see you again," Neelan said roughly. "And that's my fault, I…"

He trailed off and looked over Natsu's shoulder, expression shifting into something Natsu didn't quite recognize. He let go of Neelan's jacket, turning to see Gray, standing a little way away with his hands tucked awkwardly in his pockets.

"Dad, this is Gray," Natsu said, letting go of Neelan and stepping back to grab Gray's hand. "My husband."

Gray reached out his hand and Neelan shook it carefully. "Neelan," he said, voice rough. "You already know that, I guess. I, uh…"

"I've heard a lot about you," Gray said, giving Neelan a soft but genuine smile.

"All, uh… well, they're probably not good things, I guess." Neelan stuck his hands back in his pockets and his gaze dropped to the ground. "Sorry, I didn't—never expected this. To see you again."

Something in Natsu's chest hardened at the words, and the excitement of seeing his dad was muddied by the familiar ache of abandonment. "You left," he said before he could stop himself. Gray's hand tightened in his and he shook his head apologetically. "Sorry, I don't—we don't have to start there."

An awkward silence fell between the three of them and Natsu took the chance to study his dad. He looked exhausted – dark circles under his eyes, bitten nails like his own, pieces of hair falling out of his braided ponytail. There was something in the way he stared uncomfortably at the ground that felt like looking in a mirror.

"Are you, um, hungry?" Natsu asked. "We haven't eaten—well, Gray did, on the ferry, but that food is stupid expensive and I wasn't hungry, but I could go for a coffee right now. Do you drink coffee? I only like the Frappucinos or the sweet drinks with like, the strawberries in them, Gray's the one who drinks gross black coffee. I think I saw a Starbucks…"

He trailed off when Gray gently squeezed his hand, trying to calm the way his stomach kept twisting and his heart kept skipping beats. "Why don't I go grab us a coffee?" Gray suggested. "You two can catch up a bit without me."

Neelan finally looked up and Natsu saw grateful relief in his eyes. "That would, um…"

_"Est-ce que ca't va?"_ Gray asked, grabbing both of Natsu's hands and turning to face him. _"Je peux rester si tu veux." _A grateful warmth spread through Natsu's chest.

_"Non, ça va,"_ he said, leaning in and kissing Gray. _"Je t'aime."_

_"Je t'aime aussi,"_ Gray replied, returning the kiss and rubbing his thumbs over the back of Natsu's hands. Then he turned to Neelan. "It's good to meet you. I'll see you both in a bit."

And then he was gone, leaving Natsu alone with the father Natsu had been desperate to meet for twenty-two years.

"So, you, uh… speak French?" Neelan asked. He nodded toward the edge of the water and Natsu followed him, trying to keep in step with his father but not touch him.

"Yeah, Gray's from Montréal. He taught me."

Neelan nodded, tucking his hands awkwardly in his pockets. "Your mom spoke French too."

Natsu was hit with the same sensation he'd felt looking at the pictures of his mom for the first time – like he was too far out in the ocean, wildly out of his depth. "She did?"

Neelan nodded. "Some, anyway. Her dad was from Tsawwassen, but her mom was from Québec."

"Tsawwassen?" Natsu frowned. Ryos had mentioned once that he'd grown up there, only moving to Magnolia after his mom passed away. It wasn't a large community, and Natsu was suddenly hit with the thought that Ryos' parents might have known his mother.

The uncertain feeling intensified and he shook his head, filing the information away for later. Instead he followed Neelan, ducking through a crowd of people until they were at the railing overlooking the harbor. Natsu leaned on the railing and stared past the moored ships, watching the patterns the sun made on the water.

"So her parents are…" Natsu trailed off, realizing for the first time that he might have grandparents – even aunts and uncles that he didn't know about. The idea was overwhelming and he closed his eyes, breathing in the familiar ocean breeze.

"They're gone," Neelan said quietly. Disappointment settled in Natsu's chest. "She grew up…" He hesitated. "A lot like you. Young mom, deadbeat dad." He let out a wry laugh. "She was sixteen when you were born. You were early – real tiny, probably fit in my hands." He cupped his palms together. "She was… when she found out about you, she tried to quit. We both did."

Natsu's jaw clenched and he exhaled softly. He knew this part of the story – had pieced it together by the time he was twelve. One social worker had called it "Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome" – a fancy way to say he was born in withdrawal from whatever drugs his mom had been on. Mostly meth.

"I…" Neelan swallowed heavily. "After Becca died, I wanted to take care of you. I got sober and I tried my best, but I was eighteen and stupid, and I didn't know how to be a dad. You deserved better."

_I didn't want 'better,' _Natsu thought as the anger resurfaced. _I wanted my dad. You promised to stay and then you left, and I don't understand why. _

"I remember some stuff," he said out loud, trying to keep his voice even. He stared down at the water, trying to pick out starfish on the rocks. "You read me Harry Potter."

A smile crept onto Neelan's face and he nodded. "It was the only time you'd sit still," he said. "You loved reading."

Natsu huffed out a laugh. "I hate it now," he said. "I'm dyslexic. It's hard to read. Gray reads to me, though."

"He seems…" Neelan hesitated. "Good for you."

Natsu nodded. "He is." He chewed his lip. "We've been married for ten years – it was actually our anniversary back in June."

"Congratulations." Neelan glanced over at him. "How'd you meet?"

Natsu sighed, chewing his lip. "It's… a long story," he said after a minute. He moved his hand over to where the scar from his suicide attempt had been before the fire had burned it away. Neelan's curious gaze flicked down to the marred skin. "That's a shorter story," Natsu said, smiling with relief. "I'm a volunteer firefighter – I was helping out with the Fort Mackay fires and ended up with this."

He held out his arm for Neelan to see the scar. "It's okay," he said at the uncomfortable expression on his father's face. "It's been eight years; it doesn't bug me anymore."

Neelan shook his head, giving Natsu a soft smile. "There's so much I don't know about you."

_And whose fault is that? _Natsu thought as the tentative excitement in his chest was soured by resentment. He sighed, trying to untangle the thousands of emotions that warred inside him.

"Sorry," Neelan said, quickly flicking his gaze back to the boats bobbing against the docks. "I'm bad at this. Talking, in general but—I just… ever since you sent me that message…"

"Yeah," Natsu said. "I know."

They stood for a minute in silence, listening to the gentle lap of waves against the shore and the cawing of seagulls picking up scraps. Then Natsu turned to Neelan and said, "Let's start simple. What do you do for work?"

* * *

Gray could feel the tension radiating from Natsu the whole time they were at dinner. By the time they said goodnight to Neelan and made it back to the hotel, Natsu was chewing his nails again.

"C'mere," Gray said, closing the door behind them and tugging on Natsu's hand until they were both sitting on the couch. "You okay?"

Natsu shrugged. "'m fine," he said, but when Gray rested his hand on Natsu's bouncing leg, he sighed. "I dunno. It's weird." He looked down at their clasped hands. "It's like… I thought I had memories of him, from when I was little. I know he read to me and we went to the park and stuff, but it's like…" He chewed his lip. "He's a stranger. And I knew it wouldn't be the same, it's just…"

Gray didn't say anything, just squeezed Natsu's hand gently.

"I thought there'd be something," Natsu said softly. "Like I would—part of me would know him because he's my _dad, _and I sorta thought that when we first saw him, but the more we talk it's just… I don't have any idea who he is."

He looked up at Gray, expression somewhere between confusion and disappointment. "I'm sorry," Gray said, tucking a stray hair behind his ear. "Can I do anything?"

Natsu shook his head. "Just…" He swallowed and Gray could tell he was trying not to cry. "I thought… I just wanted my dad and I got a stranger who doesn't have any idea who I am."

"I'm so sorry," Gray said softly as Natsu leaned toward him, pressing his face to Gray's shoulder and cuddling close when Gray wrapped both arms around him. "Do you think it'll be better tomorrow? You only had a few hours together today, maybe it'll just take some time."

"Dunno," Natsu mumbled into his sweater. "Part of me just wants to go home."

Gray kissed the top of Natsu's head. "We can do whatever you want to do," he said gently. "Whatever you need."

Natsu sighed in frustration. "I couldn't ask him."

"Ask him what?"

"Why he left." He rubbed his face. "Why I wasn't enough." Gray made a sad sound and held him tighter. "He said he quit—he stopped drugs and drinking and all that shit, and he tried, and then he just… I don't remember a lot, but I remember him promising. He promised he would stay, that he loved me, that he would take me home with him, that he'd be around for my birthday. And then he left, and I don't understand. Why did he stick around for eight fucking years and then just give up? What did I do?"

"Sweetheart," Gray said sadly, trying to keep his voice from breaking like his heart was. "You didn't do anything. No matter what happened, it wasn't your fault. You were just a little kid."

"But he loved me," Natsu insisted. "He did, I saw—the pictures, and he told me, and I just don't understand. If he loved me, why did he leave?"

"I don't know," Gray murmured. "Maybe you can talk about it tomorrow?"

Natsu sighed, rubbing his face and finally looking up at Gray. "Maybe," he said as Gray kissed his forehead. "But right now I just wanna sleep."

* * *

**French Translations**

Est-ce que ca't va? = Is that okay?  
Je peux rester si tu veux = I can stay if you want  
Non, ça va = No, it's okay  
Je t'aime = I love you  
Je t'aime aussi = I love you too


	12. danger and disappointment

_TW for drug use and mild violence_

* * *

The rest of the week went mostly the same as the first day. Neelan was friendly enough, but the connection Natsu had been pinning his hopes on never came.

"I'm sorry," Gray said on the fourth evening as they sat at a restaurant on the harbor. Neelan had disappeared just before dinner, giving a vague excuse that Natsu didn't even bother to try to pick apart.

"Part of me wants to keep trying," Natsu said, wiping at the condensation on the side of his glass. The setting sun highlighted the pink of his hair and Gray reached out to tuck a piece of it behind his ear. "The other part just wants to give up. We have to go back soon anyway for the hearing."

Gray's stomach twisted and he shook his head, trying to push away thoughts of his own imminent reunion with his brother. "Don't worry about that," he insisted. "Whatever you need."

Natsu sighed, hooking his foot around Gray's ankle under the table. "I'll give it one more day," he said. "He said he was gonna bring more pictures of my mom tomorrow, I wanna see those. Maybe it'll…" He waved his hand vaguely.

Gray nodded. "Okay." He reached out and took Natsu's hand across the table, squeezing it gently. "C'mon," he said, nodding toward the door. "Let's go watch the sunset."

* * *

Later that night, Natsu woke to a rapping on the motel door. He yawned, disentangling himself from Gray and pressing a kiss to his forehead before shuffling out of the bedroom and through the kitchenette. When he pulled the door open, Neelan was standing there, hands pushed deep in his pockets. Natsu frowned.

"Dad?"

The word still felt strange in Natsu's mouth, even after four days together, and he wasn't sure he liked it. He rubbed his eyes and glanced back at the clock on the microwave.

"I know it's late," Neelan said quickly. The time read 4:56 a.m.

"More like early," Natsu said, yawning and pulling the door open. He motioned for Neelan to step inside. "What's up? Is everything okay?"

Neelan didn't reply, just stood awkwardly inside the door, and Natsu felt something coil uncomfortably in his stomach. Neelan had been strange and distant all afternoon, perpetually looking over his shoulder and nervously checking his phone, and it had left Natsu feeling unsettled.

He glanced back toward the bedroom, then reached over and flicked on the lamp that sat on the table next to the door. As soon as the light hit Neelan's face, Natsu swore.

"What the hell happened to you?" Natsu demanded, suddenly wide awake.

Neelan's lip was split and streaked with blood, and his knuckles were red and bruised. An uneasy feeling crept into Natsu's stomach and he took a step back.

"It's not as bad as it looks," Neelan said, raising his hands and looking up at Natsu. The blue of his eyes was nearly swallowed up by the black of his pupils, and his cheeks were flushed.

_Fuck. _Natsu felt like he was going to be sick.

"Get out," he whispered, backing away again. He gestured to the door and bit the inside of his cheek to keep from crying. Shame filled his chest, hot and heavy.

"What are you talking about?" Neelan asked, eyes widening and brow drawing down into an expression that was suddenly terrifyingly familiar. Tiny pieces of memory started to surface and Natsu pushed at them desperately to keep them down.

_… I'm fine, Daddy's just not feeling good today… _

"Gray," Natsu said softly, looking down the hallway at the open bedroom door.

"Don't do that," Neelan insisted, stepping forward quickly. A spike of panic flared up in Natsu's chest and he backed up into the wall, eyes skipping away from Neelan's face and down the scratch marks on his bare arms.

"I said, get out," Natsu repeated, then raised his voice and called for Gray again. A grumble came from the bedroom, then Natsu could see the flick of the lamp turning on. His hands shook and he curled his fingers into fists.

"Natsu, please," Neelan said. "You don't need to wake him up, this is between you and me."

_… don't need to tell them, it's just between us…_

"Leave," Natsu replied, trying his best to keep his voice even. His chest felt tight and there was an uncomfortable pressure in the back of his throat that he knew was going to turn to tears.

"You didn't even let me—"

_"Get out!"_ Natsu's voice rose sharply. "Gray! _J'ai besoin de ton aide, c'est mon père!"_

There was a thump from the bedroom, and before Neelan could take another step forward, Gray was in the hallway, shirtless and blinking blearily.

"Natsu?" he asked, running a hand over his face. _"Qu'est-ce qu'il y a?"_

Natsu didn't answer, and Gray's expression turned immediately from sleepy to concerned. He moved forward, and as soon as he saw Neelan his face hardened, and he stepped in front of Natsu.

"He's high," Natsu said, feeling small and childish. He could see Gray's shoulders tense and guilt washed over him immediately. "Fuck, I'm sorry, I didn't—"

"What do you want?" Gray asked Neelan, voice calm and quiet in a way that Natsu rarely heard. It was terrifying.

"I want to talk to my son," Neelan growled. "Get out of my way."

"He told you to get out."

"You can't—"

Gray took another step forward, interrupting what Neelan had been about to say. Neelan's face quickly transformed to something hard and angry, and Natsu wished he could disappear.

"Leave." Gray's voice was soft, but Natsu had never heard it so cold, not even when he'd talking about Lyon. Natsu hesitated, tempted pull Gray back, but then his eyes flicked up to the scars on Gray's shoulder. He couldn't let that happen again.

"Let me talk to my son," Neelan snarled, taking a wobbly step forward and throwing a punch. Gray blocked it easily, barely moving at the unsteady blow.

"Dad, stop!" Natsu shouted as Neelan stumbled backward and brought his arm back again. Gray wasn't retaliating, just had his arms up in front of him and was planted firmly between Neelan and Natsu. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Neelan's arm stopped mid-swing and he staggered backward, gaze flicking from Gray's face to Natsu's. His eyes were wide, and his cheeks were flushed, and in the dim light of the living room lamp, he looked possessed.

"Please, stop," Natsu begged. Neelan's stare was unfocused, and when Natsu moved to step forward, Gray grabbed his arm.

"Don't," he said quietly. Natsu felt a flash of anger rush through him, and the words he's not going to hurt me were on his tongue before he realized how badly Gray was shaking.

"I didn't mean..." Neelan said, voice softer than it had been moments ago. He blinked slowly. "I just wanted to talk."

"You just hit my husband," Natsu growled, sliding his hand up until his palm was pressed to Gray's and their fingers were twined together. "You're high, gods, I'm so fucking stupid." Natsu ground his teeth together, feeling tears well up in his eyes. "That's why you disappeared, isn't it? Do you know how fucking shitty my life was because of you?"

"Natsu, I—"

"No." Natsu shook his head, the fear and confusion in his chest solidifying into a hard, cold anger that he couldn't control. "You picked drugs over me, didn't you?" Neelan didn't say anything and Natsu ran his hand over his face. "You… you fucking left me. I didn't have a family, I hurt myself, people hurt me because you cared more about getting high than your kid."

"Natsu—"

"Gray was right," Natsu said. "I can't believe you. Fuck you."

"Just listen to—"

"Get out," Natsu said, interrupting Neelan's words. Gray squeezed Natsu's hand as Neelan swayed, steadying himself against the table. Neelan's face fell, and something in Natsu's chest cracked as his father started to cry.

"Natsu, please," Neelan said, reaching out his hands. Gray pulled Natsu behind him again and glared at Neelan. Neelan's glassy-eyed gaze drifted over Gray's face, then back to Natsu, and he put his hands up apologetically. "You're right, I'm so sorry. You have to believe me, this isn't—"

"We don't have to do anything," Gray said, voice rising with anger. He was gripping Natsu's hand so hard it hurt, but Natsu didn't pull away. "Get. Out. That's the last time I'm going to tell you."

"I'm so sorry," Neelan said, shaking his head as tears ran down his cheeks. Natsu's chest ached – part of him wanted to reach out, to say it's okay, I forgive you, it's not your fault. But the other part of him was terrified and angry and so, so sad.

"Please go," he said quietly, and he felt tears running down his cheeks. "I don't want to see you again."

"Natsu, please," Neelan protested, leaning on the table. "I'm your dad, you—"

"You're not my dad," Natsu choked out, squeezing Gray's hand and wishing that he could stop crying. Gray was trembling against him, and Natsu could feel the terror radiating off him. Regret and shame flushed through him for putting Gray in this situation again.

"You're the one who wanted to meet me," Neelan insisted, staring at Natsu with unfocused eyes. "I just—"

Neelan trailed off, looking from Natsu to Gray, then down at the floor. For a second, Natsu thought he was going to keep arguing, but instead he took a step back toward the door.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I didn't mean for it to go this way."

Natsu shook his head, glaring at Neelan through the tears. "Fuck you," he whispered. "I don't care."

* * *

As soon as the blue-and-red lights disappeared with Neelan in tow, Natsu collapsed.

"Hey, look at me." Gray's voice sounded far away as he knelt next to Natsu, running his fingers through Natsu's hair and touching his cheek with trembling hands. "It's okay, you're okay. He's gone, we're safe."

"I'm so sorry." Natsu stared at the scars on Gray's shoulder. Gray shook his head, grabbing Natsu's hand and trying to squeeze it, but he was shaking so badly that he couldn't lace their fingers together.

"It's…" Gray swallowed, closing his eyes and trying to take a deep breath. "I'm okay, this is—you, are you—"

The terror and anger in Natsu's chest disappeared behind a wave of guilt, and he pulled Gray into his arms, rubbing a hand up and down Gray's back as he held him tightly.

"You're safe," Natsu said, voice breaking. "I'm so sorry, fuck, I'm so—I should have listened to you, I'm sorry, he hurt you—"

"He didn't, I'm fine," Gray insisted, shaking his head, but Natsu could feel tears on his shoulder through his shirt. He shifted until he was sitting on the floor, leaning back against the couch, and pulled Gray tightly into his arms as they both cried.

"I hate him," Natsu said, pressing his face into Gray's hair and sniffling. "I didn't think—I didn't wanna believe that he was like that. I wish I'd never found him." He wiped furiously at the tears in his eyes, cheeks burning with embarrassment. "I'm so sorry."

"Stop apologizing," Gray said gently, sitting up and running his thumb over Natsu's face. "It's not your fault."

"But it is," Natsu hiccupped, trying to hold back a sob. Everything hurt – a deep, dull ache that spread through his arms and legs and through his stomach. "Why didn't he—he didn't stay, an-and I didn't…. wasn't enough, I wasn't good, and he didn't want me, why didn't he want to stay?"

"I don't know," Gray said gently, pressing his forehead to Natsu's. "But you didn't do anything wrong. You were just a kid."

"He fucked everything up, and—and everything was… it was bad, and I hated it," Natsu sobbed. "If he—I wanted it to be a real reason, I just wanted my dad and he didn't love me enough." Tears ran down his cheeks and dripped onto his pajama pants. "And I put you in danger, I'm so sorry, it was the same as Lyon and I didn't—I'm sorry."

"He didn't hurt me," Gray insisted, tipping Natsu's chin up until they were looking at each other. "I'm just scared, but it's not your fault. And he's gone now, and if you never want to see him again, you don't have to."

Natsu nodded, wishing the ache and confusion in his chest would just disappear. He couldn't calm his breathing, and Gray rubbed his back gently when he started to suck in short, sharp breaths.

"Shhh," Gray murmured. "Breathe with me, okay? Deep breaths."

Natsu shook his head, pulling in on himself and sobbing as the tightness in his chest increased. He was eight again, curled up in the corner of his room and crying for his dad, not knowing what he'd done to make him disappear.

_If I'm good, he'll come back, _he thought, and it was both Natsu and his eight-year-old self thinking it at the same time. _He'll come back and he'll love me and we can be a family together. _

But he'd never come back, and Natsu had never had a family. Not until Gray.

"I'm sorry," he said again, not knowing what else to say. "I love you."

"I love you too," Gray said, holding Natsu tight in his arms. Natsu twisted his fingers into Gray's shirt, trying to pull in the feeling of safety that usually came with Gray's presence. Instead it was just fear and anger and hopelessness. He wiped as his face angrily, taking a shaky breath.

"I wanna go home."

* * *

**French Translations**

J'ai besoin de ton aide, c'est mon père = I need your help, it's my dad  
Qu'est-ce qu'il y a = What's the matter  
Appeler la police = Call the police


End file.
